


The Best You Could

by spacestationwedding



Series: So This Is Love [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anal Sex, Attempted Sex, Blood and Violence, Blow Jobs, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes's Trigger Words, Canon-Typical Violence, Dating, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Insecurity, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, POV Steve Rogers, Protective Steve Rogers, Recovery, Rimming, Slow Romance, Smut, Therapy, Top Steve Rogers, crappy motel sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-05-24 08:03:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14950787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacestationwedding/pseuds/spacestationwedding
Summary: He felt kisses press against his neck, the curve of lips in a smile. “Don’t deserve ya, Stevie. Never did...not as kids, or in the war, not now. You’re too...good.”As untrue as that was, warmth spread suddenly through Steve’s chest at the sentiment. He knew the respect and admiration he held for Bucky, while it wasn’t a view held by the other, was mutual. It went deeper than attraction or adoration, though they had their fair share of that. Despite all the horrors Bucky had endured, Steve would be there to comfort him at the end of the day. Despite the terrifying, empty look in his eyes when Bucky slipped away and the Asset took his place, Steve would still take care of him and love him and fight to bring him back. What happened to him wasn’t fair, wasn’t deserved, and made Steve’s blood boil when he thought too hard about it. So right there, in the warm shower of a dingy hotel room in Somewhere, Virginia, Steve decided that he was going to spend the rest of his days doing nothing except what he did best: keep James Buchanan Barnes as safe and as happy as humanly possible.





	1. Chapter 1

“You awake?”

The question came at a time when Steve was definitely not supposed to be awake, but he still found himself conscious enough to comprehend it. Groggily, he dragged himself fully out of the comfort of sleep to focus on the inquirer. 

“Yeah, baby, wha’s wrong? Need somethin’?”

“No,” Bucky sighed next to him, invisible through the darkness of their bedroom. “Just heard ya mumblin’ in your sleep I guess.”

Steve didn’t know what to make of that, so he just hummed and slid his arms back around Bucky’s waist. It was usually hit or miss with Bucky when it came to being held in the middle of the night. He loved it when they were falling asleep to have his limbs wrapped around Steve’s like a vine around a tree. However, once they were actually asleep, more often than not, Steve found himself being slowly inched over to his side of the bed. 

This time, he settled right in, throwing his cold left arm over Steve’s shoulders and allowing him to use his chest as a pillow. Steve could hear his heart, strong but too fast. He could feel his breaths lifting and lowering his head, too shallow to be relaxed. 

“How ya feelin’, sweetheart?” Steve asked as he always did whenever he considered the slight possibility of something being wrong. 

“‘M fine, Steve. You just go back to sleep.”

Well, it wasn’t exactly reassuring. But eventually exhaustion snuck back up on Steve, and he let himself be pulled back down into sleep.

The next time he woke, the smells of coffee and mint teased Steve’s nostrils. Blearily opening his eyes, he found a freshly showered, slightly damp Bucky straddling his lap, grinning wide and holding a steaming mug of joe in front of his face. 

“Mornin’, sunshine.” He quipped and took a sip. His bare torso was still glistening with moisture from his shower. “Knew the coffee smell would wake ya up.”

Steve groaned and gradually woke up, a smile already twitching at his lips. “Yeah, that’s what it was. Nothin’ to do with you sittin’ right on my dick.”

Bucky laughed, something that for a while there, Steve had thought he’d only ever see in his luckiest dreams. He was a vision as always, made only more beautiful by the grin splitting his sinfully charming lips apart and the crinkles in the corners of his eyes. 

“So sorry,” he purred and set the mug on the nightstand. As he leaned over, their faces were brought closer together. Almost close enough for the kiss Steve was anticipating. He inhaled the scent of mint and rosemary body wash, loving how familiar it was slowly becoming to him.

“You oughta be,” he slid his hands over Bucky’s boxer-clad thighs. The man perched on his lap wriggled happily, like that was what he’d been waiting for.  _ Bastard _ . He knew his ass was grinding directly on Steve’s interested cock. “‘S a real inconvenience.” 

A couple strands of long brown hair that had slipped from Bucky’s bun tickled Steve’s cheek. 

“How can I make it up to ya?” Bucky murmured, staring at him with those light blue, almost grey eyes, framed in dark seduction. Aphrodite herself would be jealous of Steve in this situation, he was sure of it. 

“Don’t keep me waitin’ anymore for my damn kiss.”

Smirking, Bucky leaned down the rest of the way. His breath was toothpaste and coffee, invading Steve’s senses even more. Their lips met slowly, keeping in pace with all the buildup to the moment itself. Bucky’s hands, one cold and one warm, grabbed his shoulders for balance once they fell into a rhythm. Slow, sweet, and unhurried. Like they had all day.

Which, to be fair, they did.

 

\-----

 

Later, Steve sat on the balcony for a late afternoon long-distance conference call with the rest of the Avengers. Really routine stuff- he was only half paying attention.

After hanging up, he turned in his lounge chair to the inside of their apartment, seeing the darkened shape of Bucky doing a set of pushups right there on the living room floor. Steve had offered to set him up with Stark’s private gym downtown, where he went to work out himself. Bucky refused, wanting to stay in the safe and comfortable privacy of their home. That was okay. Where he got his routine done wasn’t really detrimental. 

Turning his tablet around in his hands, Steve stared at the little table next to him where Bucky’s pack of cigarettes had been tossed. He’d known that Bucky had picked up smoking again- that wasn’t a problem. It was actually kind of nice to see an old habit of the “old Bucky” come back. No, what bothered Steve was the sheer volume of his new pastime. One cigarette before bed had become three, and one while cooking lunch, and two while he drank his morning coffee, sometimes in bed. Steve hadn’t been able to smoke back in the ‘40s, and nowadays he didn’t see the appeal. But the addiction- Steve hated the negative connotation put on that word- was new for Bucky. Back in the day, he had always maintained the self-control to only have two smokes a day. 

Shoving that aside, he stood and stretched his cramped limbs. Bucky was a grown man, he could make his own decisions. Still, Steve felt responsible for making sure his recovery went as smoothly as possible, without any added bad habits. Maybe he’d wait until the smoking became a true problem to talk about it. He stepped back into the apartment, hit immediately with a blast of air-conditioned coldness. 

“How’d it go?” Bucky asked, smiling up from his plank position on the carpet. 

Steve dropped to the floor in front of the other, sprawling out so he could lay a kiss on him. Bucky’s lips tasted like sweat. “Went alright- no new missions in sight, but y’know how it goes. Once I get the call, I gotta go.”

Nodding, Bucky turned and plopped his body in front of Steve’s so they were both lying on the floor like the weirdos that they were. He caught his only slightly disturbed breath, bare chest heaving with the effort. Steve swallowed at the sight of his torso all long and muscled, like it had been right after he’d gotten back from basic training in the army.

“I bought shirts your size months ago. Ya could wear ‘em.” His self-control lost the battle when his hand reached out to drag his fingertips over the sparse smattering of dark hair on Bucky’s sternum. 

“And miss seein’ ya get all distracted by the sight of me? Fat chance.” Bucky smirked and gave him another kiss- they were both obsessed with those. “What are ya thinkin’ we should get for dinner? More Thai or Italian?”

Steve clambered to his feet and grabbed their takeout menu collection. “By Italian, do ya mean pizza?”

“They’re synonymous in New York.” Bucky argued. 

They got pizza.

After Steve finished confirming their plans for the next day- his therapy and Bucky’s parole office visit- and Bucky finally tired of writing in the new leather notebook Steve had ordered for him, they decided to head to sleep. But not without the most important kiss of the day, and Steve’s favorite. The one with boxers and hints of smoke that clung to Bucky’s skin. The one with panted out “I love you”s and desires tattooed into each other’s skin briefly. The one with such care and need and genuine  _ want  _ poured into it that Steve was more than satisfied with just the kiss. He didn’t need anything more. He just needed their routine, because it made his Bucky happy. 


	2. Chapter 2

“Tell me about your home life. How’s that going?” Ada crossed her legs and stared at Steve, waiting for an answer. His therapist was always asking him about his “home life,” since that was the part he was less willing to divulge. 

He fidgeted, trying to form his sentences in a way that would convey what he felt. 

“I think...that’s the best part of my life. Everything with Bucky’s goin’ really well. Before he moved in...when I was alone...things were a lot more confusing, y’know. Bein’ in a new century and everything.”

Ada nodded. “Now you have someone else to learn alongside.” 

“Exactly! Kind of...he knows more than I do. But still, he gets it. Plus, it’s really great to be livin’ together again...like we did back then.”

She paused for a moment, as though considering how to go about her next few words. Steve plucked at his shirt’s hem, soft grey cotton. 

“Is it exactly the same as it was before? In terms of your relationship? I understand that both of you have changed quite significantly. How have the two of you been, romantically?”

He had to contemplate that one. Of course things had changed- but he thought they were happy now. Maybe their situation wasn’t perfect just yet, but Steve was working on that. He was doing everything he could to make Bucky’s recovery easier on him. 

“It’s not quite the same. I don’t think it ever will be. But we’re happy.”

“How’s it different?” Ada pushed, looking for more details.

“I dunno...I mean we don’t really date like we used to. ‘S kinda just hangin’ out at the apartment. ‘Nd we don’t-” he choked on the sentence before he said something embarrassing. “Nevermind.” 

Sternly looking over at him, she chided, “You know you can admit anything to me, Steve. I won’t judge.”

_ Right.  _ “We don’t, um. Have sex.” He forced out awkwardly, staring at the cup of pens on the table next to Ada.

“I see. And does that bother you? Would you like to have a more intimate relationship with Bucky?”

Steve shrugged like it didn’t matter. “It doesn’t bother me...I mean, I’d like to, obviously. But I’ve tried to be really patient...just let ‘im go at his own pace. But yeah, I think...if things were different we’d be doin’ that. Just don’t wanna push ‘im.”

Ada typed away at her computer, nodding with his words. “D’you find yourself responsible for his well-being? You’re very careful and considerate of him, which is very admirable. But do you think of yourself as being responsible for him?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, he was doin’ alright on his own. But after the trials ‘n’ everythin’, I kinda ended up vouching for him in front of the entire country, so I gotta make sure he recovers, y’know?”

“That’s understandable. But does that conflict with any of your other responsibilities?” 

He wasn’t sure where she was going with that.

“Yeah, I mean, I can’t stay at the compound anymore so I’m not always the first pick on smaller missions, and I don’t really do much on my own anymore.”

“Hm,” Ada sat up straighter in her chair, typing something again. “Well, I have some homework for you to complete before our next appointment. First, I’d like for you and Bucky to go out. A date. However the two of you decide to fulfill that, is up to you. Do what you think is best- something to strengthen your romance. What do you think about that?”

Steve stared at his knees, eyes taking in the weave of the denim covering them. He imagined it, going on a real date. Bucky might not be up for it...but he’d still try. 

He nodded and waited for his therapist’s second assignment. 

“Then, I want you to think about how responsible you feel when it comes to everyday decisions you make. What motivates your choices? Do you understand?”

_ No, not really. _

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Great. I’ll see you in two weeks?”

Steve left the office and went back home, feeling like he had a lot of thinking to do. Therapy was draining for him, he didn’t like opening up. Putting down the shield and letting someone see Steve Rogers was against his very nature. He’d been playing the role of Captain America since he woke up, until he’d seen Bucky on the highway. From then on, it seemed he was one of the only people Steve felt comfortable being himself around. 

He came home to a quiet apartment, nothing but the rhythmic sounds of feet thudding on rubber and the whir of a machine. That’s right, he’d bought a treadmill last week. It fit perfectly in the space between the couch and the window, deliberately placed facing into the room. Bucky was sprinting on the machine, already staring at Steve as he entered. 

No music. He didn’t like it while working out, Steve knew. Made him feel vulnerable, not being able to hear. 

Steve stepped in, offering a small smile. It was returned even wider, accompanied by a few beeps of the treadmill. Bucky slowed to a jog and wiped away at the sweat on his brow. 

“You look like ya been overthinkin’,” he crossed over to Steve with amusement dancing in his eyes. “Thought that was my thing.”

Steve craned his neck and pulled Bucky into a kiss. He tasted sugary sweet, underneath the salt of his sweat. Achingly familiar. Steve ignored the jab and focused on getting more of his baby’s lips on his own. The therapy session wound him up, he needed to unwind. His hands slid from the middle of Bucky’s back, over the swell of his pretty ass, to grip around the backs of his thighs.

Their kiss was paused while Steve murmured instructions. “Arms around my neck. C’mon, I got you, sweetheart.” Easily, he lifted Bucky to wrap the other around his waist. Bucky’s mouth rediscovered Steve’s own, bruisingly chasing him. He stumbled blindly into their bedroom, occasionally bumping into furniture on the way.

Carefully, Steve lay Bucky down on the thin cotton bedsheets and climbed in after him. His body covered Bucky’s like a blanket or a shield. Protective. Heat burned in their skin at every point of contact.

“We can talk about it?” Bucky whispered. Of course he could tell something was on his mind. “Or d’you just wanna make out and deal with it later?” 

What Bucky had said earlier was true- he was the over-thinker. The last thing Steve wanted was to make him think he’d done something wrong. 

Sighing, he propped himself up on his side and flicked on the lamp on the nightstand. Bucky waited attentively, bitten red lips twisted while he chewed on them.

“Might as well tell ya about it. My, ah, therapist and I talked about us.” Steve made some pathetic flapping gesture with his hands between the two of them. “Nothing bad, I promise. She just suggested that we do something different...together. Somethin’ to ‘strengthen our relationship’, and kind of outside of our comfort zones. Y’know. A date.”

Bucky stared, all unseeing blue eyes.

“What brought this on? Are ya not...is what we’ve been doin’ not enough?”

Steve was quite used to Bucky’s innate insecurities. After so many years of it, he knew how to put him at ease again. 

“No, that’s not it, babydoll.” He reached out and tucked a strand of Bucky’s hair back behind his ear. “I been movin’ at your pace because I wanna make sure you’re okay. That’s my choice. But, since we’ve been doing really well- she thought maybe we could work towards a more...intimate relationship. I think it’s more about me asking for something more than it is about us.”

“Huh,” Bucky murmured. “So is this you askin’ me on a date?” His lips perked up in a hopelessly charming smile that made Steve’s insides melt.

“Yeah. Yes it is,” he responded with a butterfly kiss over Bucky’s cheek. At least, it started out that way. It wasn’t long before his lips floated their way down the sharp edge of his cheekbone and down to Bucky’s mouth. 

“Well...I’d love to.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all ain't ready for what I got planned with this fic  
> also shouts out to my real life therapist- this one's for you, Ada.  
> thanks for reading as always! comments give me life!


	3. Chapter 3

_ “On my way. See you in an hour?” _

Steve sent the text as he was exiting the Avengers compound. That way, by the time Bucky sent a response, he wouldn’t be driving just yet and could read it.

_ “I’ll be waiting.” _

Well, that wasn’t really the most reassuring answer. Steve was nervous, and for good reason. It was his first date since 1943, after all. Surely dating had changed a lot since then? And what if Bucky didn’t really want to go out? What if he was just trying to humor Steve?

“What ifs” were Steve’s fatal flaw.

His ride was largely uneventful, given how preoccupied he was by his thoughts. Driving did little to clear his head anyways. 

As he exited the highway and turned onto the narrower, pedestrian lined streets of Brooklyn, the nerves fluttered more violently in his stomach. Maybe it wasn’t too late to call the idea off and just stay in for the night. It was only seven o’clock, they could just order in and fall asleep in front of the TV….

But he was doing this for Bucky. It was something to reestablish their romance and widen Bucky’s fairly small comfort zone. Canceling just because he was nervous would be selfish. Buck was the only person capable of making Captain America think selfishly. 

He parked his too-nice car (a welcome to the 21st-century gift from Tony) and entered their apartment. It was dark in the living room and kitchen, but a faint light streamed from the bedroom. He tossed his keys onto the table by the door, where a fresh bouquet of lilacs was set up in a crystal vase. It was obvious who they came from. Nostalgia and appreciation brought a smile to his face. 

There was no point in announcing himself- Bucky was far too alert and observant to have missed his arrival. Still, he called out.

“Buck? ‘M home.”

“Bedroom.”

Steve shuffled in, trancelike with nerves twisting up his insides. Bucky was standing in front of their full-length mirror, yanking his dark hair into place. He had it in some complex kind of bun style that Steve wouldn’t even attempt to replicate if he had the hair for it. It was pretty; it looked effortlessly beautiful, despite the amount of work it probably had taken. 

“Hiya, Stevie.” His words sounded so much like the Bucky from 1941, it made him feel weak. “How ya feelin’?”

_ Awkward.  _ “Shouldn’t I be the one askin’ you that?”

Bucky turned and stepped up, his presence so warm and familiar. “Why should only one of us care about how the other’s doin’?” He reached up and cupped his right hand gently around the back of Steve’s head, grounding. “Tell me how you’re feelin’. Think of it as doin’ me a favor.” 

As if Steve could resist that natural pout of his. “I’m...feelin’ fine.”

Bucky hummed. “Nervous, huh? Tha’s alright. D’you remember our first date? Ya got all worked up beforehand, but I still showed ya a good time, didn’t I?”

Of course, Steve remembered. The bar, the dancing that he secretly struggled to keep up with, the kiss Bucky had planted on his right there in front of everyone just because it was a queer bar and he could. Steve’s first date with someone who was actually interested in him. That night had built up his confidence so much.

Steve nodded, a little lost in the memory. 

“‘S okay. I wanna do this.” Bucky pulled him in for a kiss on the cheek. “Wanna treat ya right, like I did back then.”

Even though Steve felt more inclined to be dominant, sometimes Bucky liked to spoil him a little. Had back then, and apparently did now. Still, something about the way he said it wasn’t quite right. 

“You do treat me right. Even if we just stay here all the time, ya make me feel like a damn king.” His hands found their way to Bucky’s hips, gripping appreciatively at the soft fabric of his dark blue sweater. The one he’d picked out for himself online. “Now, what plans did you make for tonight?”

“I thought we’d go someplace small. Quiet. I asked Natasha ‘f she knew of any good restaurants for a national treasure and his ex-assassin boyfriend with a metal arm, who want a little privacy.” Bucky smirked. “I already scoped out her recommendation. ‘S nice.”

Steve snorted a little at Bucky’s description of them.  _ We certainly do make quite the pair.  _ His plan sounded good. He’d let Bucky plan out the night, granting him the control he needed to feel comfortable. It was an important part of helping him recover from never being in control for seventy years. 

“‘M I underdressed?” Steve had worn dark jeans and a white button down to his meeting with the Avengers, which led to him being subject to their teasing when he mentioned that he had a date afterward. 

“No, Stevie. Ya look perfect, as always. C’mon. We’ve got a reservation.” 

They walked together through their apartment. As Bucky stood at the door to pull on his boots, Steve’s gaze fell first on the curve of Bucky’s ass-  _ holy mother of God _ \- and then back to the flowers on the table. 

“Lilacs, huh?” He smiled, hoping to get some understanding of just how significant they were to Bucky. “You remember?”

The other smiled up at him from where he was bent over his boots. “‘Course I remember. I couldn’t forget your face when I showed ‘em to ya ‘fore our first date. They made ya blush so damn hard….”

Steve smiled wider, tracing the edge of one of the tiny purple petals with his thumb reverently. “Thank you.”

“Welcome, sweetheart.”

 

\-----

 

Their dinner was, graciously, perfect. Just Steve and Bucky, just like old times. So much like old times, in fact, that the two ended up collapsing onto each other as soon as the door closed. Not a moment sooner, though, out of habit. Times had changed, but they were still wary about letting other people seeing their affections.

Bucky’s hands were on him, one unyielding metal on his chest and one gentler flesh one slipping into his back pocket. Neither of them noticed the darkness of the apartment, too lost in each other to care about blindness. Steve tugged the other in, capturing him in a kiss.

Immediately, Bucky melted against him. Always so pliant once Steve got his mouth on him. He licked Bucky’s lips apart, desperate for the soft feel of his tongue. One of his hands came up and tangled itself into the intricate brown bun, effectively messing it up. 

Bucky let out a muffled groan and murmured against Steve’s lips, “Stevie….”

Humming, Steve lowered his kisses to the sharp edge of his jaw and the hot skin of his neck.

“Is there something else that you wanted to do tonight?”

“‘M doin’ it,” he responded, referring to the sweet press of his mouth on Bucky’s skin. 

He leaned back, opening up to allow Steve better access. “Anythin’ else?”

_ Oh.  _

“Did  _ you  _ have somethin’ in mind?” He mumbled into Bucky’s ear.

The hand cupping his ass slid back to the front, to massage the zipper of Steve’s jeans. Already, arousal was pooling in his gut just at the idea that Bucky was throwing out with his attentions. The serum had led him to have a hair trigger response, which was both a blessing in times of hurry and a curse of embarrassment in inappropriate moments. His jeans were already becoming too tight. 

“Gonna make me say it, Stevie?”

Steve stopped and smirked at him. He enjoyed making Bucky blush a little bit, knew he liked feeling a little embarrassed. “I sure am, babydoll.”

Suddenly, their bodies were pressed flush together, Steve squished against the wall with Bucky right in front of him. He could feel Bucky’s own excitement nudging in between his legs. 

He groaned in Steve’s face, voice instinctually becoming a whine. “I- I wanna make you feel good...make you come.”

Those words made Steve feel lightheaded- maybe it was from all the blood in his body rushing to fill his cock. Here they were, after a successful night out, barely even through the door and Bucky was offering more than he’d ever done since coming home. It was progress, pure and simple. Finally letting his guard down. 

Steve never could say no to Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some nice smut coming up on your left


	4. Chapter 4

“If we’re doin’ this, we’re doin’ it right.” Steve laced his fingers into Bucky’s metal ones and dragged him into their bedroom. Bucky flicked the light on and gave him a look.

“Always the man with the plan, huh?”

Steve sat on the bed and looked up at him, a serious look overcoming him without his permission. “Yes. Don’t wanna take any chances.”

Rolling his eyes, Bucky came forward and straddled his waist. “Romantic.”

“Shuddup.” He grabbed Bucky by the hips and tossed him onto the mattress to crawl over him. “I just wanna take care of ya. Wanna make sure ya know you’re loved.” His lips found Bucky’s neck again, right over his pulse point. “That you’re safe with me.”

“I know that, Stevie,” he drawled out, exasperatedly.

Steve ignored it. “‘M gonna get my mouth on ya, baby. Want me to stop, say the word. Anythin’ ya do want, say it.”

“Can ya go slow? Please?” His voice was sugary sweet. It made Steve’s lips perk up in a smile. God, he loved this man, all spread out pretty below him. Missed this, too.

“‘Course, baby.”

He pulled up that sweater by the hem, taking Bucky’s white undershirt with it. Just enough to get the skin below his ribs exposed. Pretty pale skin all laid out below him, a smattering of dark hair lining up below his belly button. Hard-edged muscle, two particular edges leading in a little “v” towards Steve’s prize. Reverently, he kissed at that skin and traced it with his tongue. It brought out shivers in Bucky, telling him it felt good.

Steve thumbed at the button of Bucky’s jeans, popping it open. The waistband of his Calvin Kleins was exposed, which he pulled down just an inch to get at the sensitive skin of his pelvis. His zipper slid down from the pressure of his hand and the quickly growing length underneath.

Ever so slowly, he tugged on the jeans and pulled them all the way off. Bucky’s legs fell open naturally, his bulge tenting his white briefs obscenely. He kissed right at the point where he guessed the head of Bucky’s cock lay underneath the fabric.

Steve looked up to the face above him, took in the scrunched up brows and sweat beading at his upper lip. “Check in with me. Ya good?”

“Mhm…’s just new,” came a breathy reply.

Well, that wasn’t exactly true. They’d done this a million times, but maybe Bucky’s remembrance was faulty. Or maybe he was referring to it being new for them since...everything. But he had said yes, he was good. So Steve kept going.

He peeled back the final layer of underwear and exposed the entirety of Bucky’s cock. It was flushed red, veins thickly pulsing more of his arousal into the length of him.

“Beautiful,” Steve murmured under his breath, unsure if Bucky could even hear him. He pressed a kiss right on the weeping slit, relishing in the little twitch his cock gave. The precome tasted sweet on his lips, thin and clear. It seemed only natural for his tongue to swipe through it, to get a better taste of his sweetness.

Bucky’s fingertips threaded into his hair, not pressing or pulling, just holding. “Oh, _god_.”

Smiling, Steve licked at his head again. All silky smooth, fragile skin- Steve’s for the taking. He wrapped his fingertips around the shaft and pulled it away from Bucky’s belly, feeling the coils of hair tickling his hand. Looking up into Bucky’s lust-blown eyes, he allowed the tip past his lips and sucked with as much pressure as he could manage.

Bucky threw his head back and let out a loud, vaguely “unh” noise. His chest heaved with the effort to breathe. The hand on Steve’s head pushed hard, but he didn’t budge. Just suckled on the tip, drawing more of his slick straight from the source.

“Stevie- Steve, please,” he whined from above, sounding so close to release already. In response, Steve hummed a questioning noise around the cock in his mouth. “‘S perfect, just a little more, c’mon-”

So he gave Bucky more, shoving half of his length down until the tip nudged at the back of his throat. He breathed careful streams of air through his nose and swallowed around him with practiced ease. As his lips moved up and down slickly along the shaft, Bucky’s hips twitched hesitantly upwards to aid his movements. Vaguely, Steve could hear the labored panting of Bucky speeding up.

“Oh- oh, fuck...oh god-” Bucky’s words were drawn out moans of his pleasure, gaining more excited cadence. The noises were so hot, they made Steve’s own dick twitch in his pants. “Stevie, ‘m gonna come.”

Chasing Bucky’s orgasm for him, he doubled down on the bobbing of his head. Then, Steve could feel the cock in his mouth pulsing strongly in his mouth, signaling his release. Several seconds passed of his hot length throbbing while come sprayed up Steve’s throat. As it drew on, Bucky let out deep, but breathy, moans from his chest.

“Jesus Christ, Steve.” He laughed weakly as he recovered. “Where in the hell’d you learn ‘at?”

Already smirking, Steve let his satisfied cock fall from his mouth and swallowed the remnants of come coating his throat. Memories flashed happily in his mind’s eye- memories of sweat and sunlight, of muddy knees and the same bitter taste currently tainting his breath, all distinctly Bucky.

“Learnt it with you, ‘a course. Ya let me practice an awful lot.” He gently pulled the other’s briefs back up over his hips, minding his sensitive state.

Bucky laughed again, high off of the endorphins. “Never come so quick in my life- right?”

“Not that I know of. But that’s okay,” Steve crawled back up his body, stopping to cup at his cheek and offer a kiss. Of course Bucky took it, uncaring about the fact that his dick had just been crammed into Steve’s face. He’d never been known to refuse a kiss, not from Steve.

“Okay, c’mon.” Suddenly his hands were back on Steve, undoing his jeans with surprising efficiency.

“Buck, y’know ya don’t have to-”

“-but I wanna-”

“-really, ‘s fine-”

“Steve.” Bucky shut him up with his left hand clamped over his mouth. “‘M gonna try. Not- not with my mouth, okay? Not like you did,” he swallowed audibly and looked down to where Steve’s bulge was poking at his thigh. “Just gonna use my hand, ‘f that’s alright.”

Steve nodded, and the hand over his face fell away. “‘S perfectly okay. You’re in control, baby. How d’you want me?”

After a moment's consideration, Bucky responded. “On ya side, with me behind ya?”

Steve fell onto his right side, following instructions. Behind him, Bucky cleared his throat meaningfully and wrapped his left arm around Steve’s waist.

“Your left side, if ya don’t mind.”

Right. Steve wasn’t really sure how he felt about having solid metal plates- the fist of Hydra- wrapped around his dick. Mumbling an apology, he let Bucky’s strength pull him over to the proper position. Spooned by Bucky, his flesh hand cupping at his cock and propped up on his elbow so he could see everything and press soft kisses to Steve’s shoulder. Making Steve feel vulnerable, which was probably the point.

He shimmied his boxers down to give Bucky better access. Tentatively, his hand curled around his swollen length and gave it a couple of dry strokes. Steve couldn’t help but sigh in relief after going without any stimulation whatsoever for several minutes.

Bucky used just enough pressure to move his foreskin up and over the head, and back down. Uneven, jerky strokes. Like his hand was shaking.

“You okay?”

A breath exhaled onto his shoulder. “Mhm. I want to do this.”

“I’m sure you do, sweetheart. But if you’re not up to it-”

“Shit.” Bucky flopped away, cursing up a storm. “Fuck shit fuck.”

“Hey,” he murmured and turned back to him, pulling his boxers back up over his softening cock. Bucky lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling with both hands covering his face. “‘S okay.”

“No, it’s fuckin’ not. I can’t- ‘m too nervous, too scared of failin’, too fucked up to give you what I want to.” He sounded so frustrated. Broken, just like how he’d sounded immediately “after.” Insecure.

Steve felt his heart break for him, hurting with compassion. Those insecurities would take time to heal, and Steve needed to be the one to wrap up those wounds and make sure Bucky was okay. No one else could do that, it was on Steve.

Mentally, he pulled out the emotional bandages.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as much as I love writing super hot, "perfect" sex...that just doesn't seem realistic, especially given Bucky's problems with insecurity and low self-esteem. this was the best I could do without ripping out boys hearts out :)  
> thank you so much for reading as always and your comments mean the world to me


	5. Chapter 5

“Oy! Capsicle!” 

Rolling his eyes but unable to control the little grin on his face, Steve turned to greet Tony in the hallway outside his lab. 

“Get in here,” He gestured with a carefree hand. Without another word, he turned heel and disappeared into the lab.

Sighing, Steve entered. “Make it quick, I’ve got someone waiting for me-”

“-Barnes? Yeah, I get it. This involves him, too. Just gotta let you know that you’ve got plans next Saturday. You and Mr. Robot. Throwing a little event- charitable, extravagant, heroic, yadda yadda. Something to tastefully suck our own dicks a little bit, y’know. Every single Avenger is gonna show up- spare Thor and Banner ‘cause, y’know, MIA. And Clint- family stuff. But I figured you’d wanna bring your boy, lotsa good PR.”

Actually, that sounded good. Getting him there might be like pulling teeth, but if it could help rebuild Bucky’s image, it would be worth it. 

Nodding, he leaned against a metal countertop. “I’ll ask him about it. Send me the details.”

“Get off of that. And get outta here, Cap.”

“My name is Steve.”

“And mine’s Anthony, but no one’s called me that in a decade. We all got nicknames, deal with it.”

Shaking his head, Steve exited the lab and the Avengers compound. The drive back to his apartment was becoming all too familiar, too routine. 

Bucky was waiting for him, dinner cooking on the stove and the balcony door open. 

“Finally,” he called from the balcony. Steve went outside to greet him. Cigarette hanging from his lips, wearing black jeans and a hoodie unzipped with nothing underneath. “Was gettin’ worried.”

Steve leaned down and plucked the cigarette from his mouth and replaced it with his lips. The smoke tasted stale, despite being fresh from the source. Steve inferred that he’d actually been out for quite a while. 

“No, you weren’t. Appreciate the sentiment, though.” With a small smile, he sat on the lounger next to Bucky and took a drag from the smoke. It was dry, made his lungs feel warm and wrong. But the exhale, oh, the exhale smelled and tasted like Bucky. 

He snatched it back with a pout. “Don’t start with these. Even if ya ain’t got bad lungs anymore, I don’t want ya pickin’ up the habit.”

Well, Steve thought that he should have said the same thing a lot sooner. Pushing that aside again, he leaned back in for another kiss. Taking his time with that one, tasting tobacco and syrup. That was what Bucky tasted like: syrup. Too sweet to be considered healthy, warm, woody. Not like any of that artificial crap they sold today, he was like the real stuff. Addicting, and he knew that no amount of kissing him would satiate his desire for that taste. 

With a whimper of agreement, Bucky allowed himself to be kissed and licked open. Melted into submission as easy as anything. Pride bubbled up in Steve at the feeling. Together, they leaned back onto the chair and held onto each other. Steve’s hands slipped into the open front of his hoodie to run his thumbs over the taut lines of muscle underneath. Bucky was so beautiful, sweet and pretty and easy. Surely Steve wasn’t the only person who could see how wonderful he was. 

Steve remembered what Tony had said as he was leaving. He closed off the kiss and pulled away.

“Listen, there’s this event I gotta go to. All of the Avengers do. I hear it’s for charity.” 

Immediately, Bucky frowned. The same frown that crossed his features every time Steve video called him from the quinjet and broke the news of a mission. The frown that occurred when he thought that he was going to be alone for an indefinite amount of time and watching the news like a hawk.

“But,” he intercepted and grasped Bucky’s free hand in his own. “It’s being organized by Tony- and he told me that you’re welcome to go. Encouraged to, actually. Good publicity. And I think you should try and make it.”

For several moments, Bucky was silent. Steve knew he was just thinking things through.  

“Would I have to do anything? Like, talk to anyone?”

“Nope- you can just stand there on my arm and look pretty. And if anyone does approach you, makes you uncomfortable, hell, even looks at ya funny, I’ll take care of it. Promise.” 

More silence. 

“I’ll need to know where it is. And be there ahead of time to-”

“-scope it out. I got ya. We can do that the day of, alright?” Bucky nodded, sucking hard on the cigarette again. “Gotta buy you a tux, too.”

“What? Aw, c’mon, you’ve gotta be joking. No way am I wearin’ one of those stuffy things.”

The next day, they bought a gorgeous matching pair of sleek, black tuxedos. Bucky had only agreed when Steve promised that he could wear his hair up and that he could hide “just one knife, Stevie, please?” in the jacket’s sleeve. He swore up and down that it wasn’t violating the terms of his release and that his parole officer said it was okay, so Steve conceded. 

It wasn’t like he would neglect to bring his shield either. 

As the week passed, more details about the event came out. It was a charity event, obviously, with all proceeds going towards the Sokovian relief fund Tony had set up. Basically a huge PR party so Tony could sign a check on behalf of all of the Avengers. All of the major news networks would send representatives. 

Steve was sure that Bucky would be nervous about it. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you sm for reading! hope you enjoyed!


	6. Chapter 6

“You look beautiful, babydoll.”

Steve murmured the words lowly enough that only Bucky could hear, under the music floating gently through the air. And he wasn’t lying, either; Bucky looked stunning. The crisp dark lines of his tux, swooping curve of the hairs that threatened to escape his low bun, the sharp angle of his jawline. The only thing Steve might change was the menacing glares he kept giving everyone. 

“Thanks.” He sipped whiskey from a crystal tumbler more expensive than all of their glasses back home. Distractedly. People continued milling around them and chatting pleasantly. Small talking. Steve could still feel several sets of eyes on them at all times, which he was used to, but Bucky….

Steve laced his fingers with Bucky’s and guided him away from the bulk of the crowd, to a private little section behind a trellis entwined with ivy and tiny flickering lights. It was quieter there, easier.

“Are we hidin’?” Bucky shoved his free hand in his pockets and scowled.

“Mr. Barnes?” A man had followed them, hanging back tentatively. “May I…?”

Steve glared at him. He had a crease in between his eyebrows and an inquisitive little smile. Like all of the other journalists, he clutched at a tablet and a notebook- but his was a dull red. Steve stepped in, fully prepared to tell him to fuck off, but Bucky beat him to it.

“I’m not interested, sorry.” He didn’t sound sorry at all. 

“Please,” he pressed. “This will only take a moment-”

“-Steve! C’mere, gotta introduce you to this guy.” Damn Tony and his impeccably awful timing. And he was calling from all the way across the room. Torn, he turned from where Stark was calling him back to Bucky.

“Go on, I can deal with this. ‘S why I’m here isn’t it?” Bucky leaned in and pressed a kiss to Steve’s jaw in a comforting way. He offered a small smile and pushed him gently away. “I can do this.”

Steve didn’t like the idea. But if Bucky said he could handle it, he had to trust that he could. He turned heel and went to find Tony and get the introduction over with. 

“You’re gonna love him, and here he is! This is the good Captain- but he goes by Steve, apparently. Cap, this is the author of that article you showed me, y’know the one about the quantum realm?”

Nodding his head, he tried to focus on the man in front of him. They shook hands politely.

“I didn’t know you were interested in my line of work, Captain. I must thank you for sending it to Mr. Stark, since it prompted him to reach out to me for continuing research. How did you come across my article?”

Steve snatched a drink from a passing waiter, remembering too late that alcohol was useless to him. “Uh, well, my boyfriend did- huge science nerd. I, uh, just passed it along to Tony and…” Behind him, Steve’s enhanced hearing picked up shouting and the sounds of a scuffle.

Right where he’d left Bucky. 

He turned back and broke into a sprint, breaking through where a crowd had gathered in a circle. Shoving awestruck people aside, he saw the man from earlier holding open his book and barking out words. He had a cut on his arm- a defense wound. 

Bucky was on his knees, hands clamped over his ears, babbling to himself. A bloody knife lay on the tiled floor next to him. 

“No no no no no-”

“Один!”

Russian, Steve recognized. He pushed through the last few people and slid to Bucky’s side, hoping without hope that he wasn’t too late. He didn’t know what those words meant, or what they were doing to Bucky’s mind. But they were obviously causing him pain.

“грузовой вагон!” 

With finality, the man spoke quick sentences while Steve rounded on him. 

“Who the hell are you? What did you do to him?” He shouted, readying for pursuit. He cursed himself for leaving the shield in the car.

“Солдат, ваши приказы должны убить Капитана Америки. Выполняйте неудачную миссию.” He shouted the end while turning away from Steve. 

As soon as he finished speaking, the lights turned off, like they were on a timer. The entire hall plunged into darkness and screams as people finally began to panic. Even Steve was rendered defenseless.

He reached out vaguely, blindly, back to the place where he guessed Bucky had been. Everyone else was yelling, screaming, moving around. Except, one person Steve’s hands landed on was quiet, standing still. He gripped the person by the left arm and felt familiar, unyielding metal underneath layers of clothing.

“Buck- what’d he say? C’mon, talk to-”

The backup generators kicked on, bathing the event hall in a yellowish brown light. People all around stopped moving in a shocked silence, then proceeded quickly towards the exit. Steve was vaguely aware of Tony shouting instructions to the guests of the party. 

As his eyes adjusted, he took in Bucky’s appearance. The thin spray of blood on his cheek, his rigid stance, his lifeless icy eyes raking over Steve’s face. Expressionless. Unrecognizing. 

The same way the Winter Soldier had stared him down all those years ago on the bridge.

_ No.  _

He was already moving away when a hand closed over his throat, squeezing unforgivingly tight. Ice cold fear struck down his spine as his best friend, his lover, tried to kill him.  _ Again.  _

Instinctively, Steve moved to throw him off. It took his full strength and several attempts to land a kick on Bucky’s chest to get him to release him. As he gasped for breath, he noticed Tony and Natasha run up behind Bucky, each prepared to fight. Nat got there first, halting his pursuit towards Steve. They exchanged blows, kicks, and strikes. Bucky’s eyes were trained on Steve, though. His mission. Natasha whirled around him and fought hard.

But it was no good- Bucky had trained her, after all. She couldn’t overpower him.

Steve ran up, Tony following. He revealed the red and gold armor on his hand and wrist. It blocked one of the strikes intended for Natasha’s head, holding Bucky’s left fist and keeping it in place. With a nod to Tony, Steve grabbed Bucky’s right arm and held it behind his back, using all of his own strength. He kicked and struggled against both of their grips. 

Natasha lifted her arm above her head and brought it down on Bucky’s head. Her elbow jabbed his temple with a sickening crunch. 

Bucky went slack in Steve’s arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot begins :)  
> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think of the story so far!


	7. Chapter 7

The restraints cut little pink lines in Bucky’s skin. Even in his unconscious sleep, he looked tense and worried. The medical wing of the Avengers compound was cold, unforgiving, but even more inside the room he was set up in.

Steve white-knuckled the railing on the other side of the glass. He’d dragged Bucky back to the medical wing after Natasha’s “cognitive recalibration” for a full workup. Of course, they couldn’t be sure if it had actually worked, so he was heavily restrained. 

His phone rang. Steve answered, keeping his eyes trained on Bucky for any signs of movement. 

“Nat? How’s-” 

“-Steve. Tony’s on his way there- and he’s pissed. The man who used those trigger words, he left a notebook. There was a disk inside. Security tapes. A mission from 1991.”

Steve’s face fell. He remembered one of Bucky’s worst nightmares. The orders were sanction and extract, simple. But Bucky- no, the Winter Soldier had to kill his friend from fifty years earlier. It haunted him constantly. He’d killed Howard and Maria Stark in cold blood. 

And if Tony had seen it….

“Listen, I don’t know what’s he’s going to do- just...heads up, Steve.”

“Thanks.” 

He hung up and looked to the doctor walking back inside. One thing at a time.

“How’s he lookin’?”

“Responding well, injuries are superficial. No concussion or brain bleeding. He’ll heal almost as quickly as you would. Don’t worry about it. And, ah,” she gestured to the window, “he’s waking up.” 

Steve felt relief wash over him and he pushed past her into the room. Damn the possibility of the Winter Soldier still being in control. He needed to be there when Bucky woke up. 

It looked like Bucky lying in the bed, but groggy and pained. Slowly, his eyes fluttered open and focused on Steve. 

A groan escaped him. “Hi there, angel. Ya here t’ rescue me again?”

So it was really Bucky. Natasha had broken the mind control after all. Was he referencing the last time Steve had to pull him off a table after someone had hurt him immensely? The situations had more in common than it seemed.

“Think so, sweetheart. C’mon, wanna get ya home.” He began undoing the thick straps of the restraints.

“What’d I do?”

Steve paused and stared down at him. There was fear in those icy eyes, deeply embedded in his expression. He placed his hands on Bucky’s cheek.

“Nothin’. We got you before anyone was hurt. Didn’t do anythin’, baby.”

Bucky groaned and lifted himself from the hospital bed, undoing the remaining restraints himself. Just as he was freed, there were shouts echoing down the hallways. 

_ Tony.  _

Steve grabbed the shield from where it was propped up against the bedrails and then ran to intercept him- but it was too late.

The door burst open and, with all the usual dramatics one could expect from Tony, the Iron Man waltzed in. He tapped the side of the helmet and revealed the anger and the grief underneath. There was a pause while his eyes flitted between Steve and Bucky. 

“Going somewhere? I wouldn’t pack any bags or anything- you won’t get too far.”

Bucky gripped harder on Steve’s arm, fear radiating from him. Steve didn't even have to look to feel it.

“Steve? Did he find out?” He mumbled.

“Yeah. Yeah, he did.”

Tony scoffed. “Oh, so you knew, too? Captain? He killed my parents and you decided to keep me out of the loop?”

Protectively, Steve tucked Bucky behind himself. He was in no shape to fight, but Steve would be able to hold his own for a while.

“Don’t do this, Tony. We can talk-”

“-no, there’s absolutely nothing to talk about! He killed them! You had your chance to talk. Now, I’m pissed beyond the point of talking.”

Without another word, his mask reengaged itself and his fist came up to point directly over Steve’s shoulder. Steve’s eyes widened as he took in the bright blue light charging up. 

He threw Bucky to the right while he jumped left, the rocket flying between them and landing on the wall. It exploded in fire and wreckage, knocking the two of them to the floor. Steve snatched the shield up again and ran over to Bucky. He pulled him up heavily and guarded him. Tony’s next attack came quickly and hit the outer edge of the shield while they ran for the door. Flames licked around them inescapably.

A heavy weight wrapped around Steve’s ankles and he fell onto his side. Bucky stopped, forgetting about Tony right behind them and reaching for Steve without any hesitation. 

“Get out of here!” 

Bucky recoiled and looked up to where Tony was already loading another charge. Ducking out of the way, he ran down the hallway towards safety. Following Steve’s orders, like always. He was predictable that way. 

Tony flew over him, already in pursuit. From the floor, Steve flung the shield at him, knocking one of the boosters on his suit out of place. It would slow him down, at least. The shield bounced back into Steve’s waiting hand. 

He glanced down at the shackles holding his ankles and rolled his eyes. No doubt they were ridiculously reinforced. He held the shield in both hands and brought it down on the joint between his legs. It took three tries, but eventually, the metal snapped and he could toss the broken pieces away.

Heart racing in his chest, he sprinted to catch up with Bucky again. They needed to get the hell out of there before someone got hurt. God, if Tony hurt Bucky in a vengeful rage...Steve wasn’t sure how he’d handle that. Probably in the same fashion that Tony was currently enacting. 

When he found them (which was pretty easy considering how loud those explosions were), Bucky had Tony pinned against the wall and was scrabbling at the arc reactor in his chest. But it wasn’t working, Bucky’s metal fingertips had no grip or traction to them. Tony kicked him off with one rocket-bottomed heel, forcing him to the ground. 

Just as he lifted his hand once more to fire, Steve jumped and snatched his arm- both of them. Using all of his strength, he pinned Tony’s arms behind his back. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Bucky jump up and rush to his aid again.

“Bucky! Go!” Tony wasn’t after Steve’s blood- he was safer in this situation. 

There was hesitation in his eyes- he shook his head. 

“I mean it, Buck!”

Steve knew there was no way he’d make him say it a third time. Finally, he turned heel and ran. 

With that taken care of, Steve could assess the situation. They were on the fifth floor of the atrium. If he could disable the boosters on the bottoms of the suit’s feet and hands, then Tony would be unable to keep himself from falling. The suit would prevent life-threatening injury still, but Steve would be free to find Bucky again and get him the hell out of there. 

It had to work. 

Only two seconds had passed while he thought up this plan. Two seconds while Tony struggled to relieve himself of Steve’s grip. He let go of one of his hands and pulled the shield up. As Tony shot up the hand to hold off an attack, giving Steve the perfect opportunity to slam the edge of the shield into the booster. 

With his leg, he swept both of Tony’s out from under him and plopped his knees into the hard metal planes of the suits back. His weight held him down as he brought the shield down on the other hand. 

“This is your fault, Steve!” Tony shouted through the helmet. Steve ignored him and turned to his legs. He let his weight shift for one moment and Tony was able to shove him off and began attaching his knuckles to the side of Steve’s head. The pain bloomed across the points of impact while he was knocked to the floor. 

He rolled with the shield on his arm and got his legs under Tony’s chest. With one strong kick, he sent him flying off- a quick flinging of the shield aimed at his feet knocked out the left booster. The shield bounced around before returning forcefully to Steve’s grip.

_ One more. _

The last booster fired up in blue light. Shakily, Tony began flying towards him. Steve ducked and noticed his opportunity.

He took aim. 

Using his remaining strength, he threw the shield. 

It sliced through the blue and disabled the booster. 

In midair, Tony fell five stories and crashed into the marble floor of the atrium. 

Steve paused, listening. He straightened up and walked to the railing and leaned over. Tony was lying on his back, eagle spread. The floor was cracked all around him in spiderwebs of destruction. Steve heard his groan echo through the empty atrium, but he made no move to get up. He felt his brows furrow closer together. 

“‘M sorry it came to this, Tony.” Without another word, he turned around and ran through the doorway that Bucky had disappeared through. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update- writer's block :)))) hope you enjoyed this chapter all the same  
> and also  
> tweet some inspiration at me, check for updates on my writing and we can be internet friends <3  
> i'm @serene_bitch on twitter


	8. Chapter 8

There was nothing on either side of the road, except fields of green lines that grew brighter with the light of the coming dawn. Just farmland that sped past in a blur as they drove a stolen car in silence. Bucky’s right hand gripped the steering wheel loosely in his lap while the other hung out the window. Not much steering to be done on straight country roads. 

Steve was texting Natasha their location, knowing he could trust her with the secret. Luckily, he’d had the foresight to bring along his private phone that had absolutely no connection to StarkTech, so they couldn’t be tracked that way. They were going south, towards god-knows-where and ready to stop on a whim. He was half hoping she’d know somewhere that they could safely stop. After firing off the text, he dropped his phone into the cupholder and looked over at Bucky. His profile was pensive; lips turned down and brow knotted in thought. 

“Buck,” his voice was rough with underuse. It’d been five hours since either of them had said a word. Based on the lack of response, it seemed that Bucky had zoned out entirely. “Bucky.” He tried a little louder, sharper.

Slowly, Bucky’s eyes refocused over onto him. Steve offered a small smile, but it wasn’t returned. So he tried harder.

“What are you thinkin’?”

Another moment passed. Just as Steve opened his mouth to ask again, Bucky murmured a response lowly.

“Why’re we runnin’? I dunno why we couldn’t just let ‘im do whatever he wanted t’ me. Lord knows I deserve it. Killed his parents...killed so many people. Didn’t even see his mother’s face while I- I strangled her. With this hand,” he picked his right thumb off the steering wheel. “Mine, Steve. I did it. Just because she was there- they didn’t tell me to. I just knew she saw me, couldn’t leave her there to talk. So I decided to murder her in cold blood. Tell me why the fuck I deserve to run when I did that to him?”

All Steve could do at that was swallow and try to process it. It was unsettling to hear such things fall so easily from Bucky’s mouth, like they’d been sitting under the surface just waiting to come out. 

“We’re runnin’ ‘cause I love you, an’ you’re my responsibility. I gotta protect ya. As for you thinkin’ you deserve it...Think you’re forgettin’ that ya weren’t given a choice in doin’ any of that. Wasn’t you. Tony’s-” He sighed and chose his words carefully. “Tony doesn’t get that. If there were any Hydra people left, he’d have gone for them first. What he did was wrong- no doubt about that. But I know why he came for you. He just needed to throw blame on someone.”

The last words Tony had said rang in his ears.  _ “It’s your fault.” _ And that made sense to Steve. He should have said something sooner, so he didn’t have to see it happen for himself on that security tape. Should have told him as soon as he’d found out himself, or at least once Bucky was cleared of the murder charges. But the details weren’t made public, for Bucky’s protection. And Steve couldn’t bring himself to do it. It had been easier to just...stay quiet. 

Bucky wouldn’t have been attacked by Tony if Steve had just said something. 

And there was still that nagging, underlying guilt prickling at the nape of his neck. Always present there, ready to come to the surface at any point. The Winter Soldier wouldn’t have existed if Steve had just saved him from falling off that train.

They fell back into silence and found a hotel somewhere in Virginia. It took almost all their cash to check in for one night. Immediately, Bucky fell onto the mattress facefirst. 

Steve dropped his leather coat on the chair by the dresser. He didn't even look around the room before heading into the bathroom. There was dirt and blood caking his undershirt and suit pants, and the skin around his face and hands. He was sweaty and gross, in desperate need of a shower. So he stripped quickly and let the steam surround him. 

They needed a plan. Somewhere to go next. Natasha had said that Tony was already looking for them, twice as angry as before. It was Steve’s job to protect Bucky, no matter what the cost was. 

He closed his eyes and let the spray of water hit his face. The hotel soap smelled like vanilla- muted and hot from the steam. It was enough to overpower the stench of blood and sweat still clinging to his skin. Sweetness surrounding the filth.

The door to the bathroom opened. Steve paused and peered over the shower rod- he was tall enough. The two men made eye contact and held it while Bucky began stripping. Tiredly. Uncaring. He was obviously exhausted. Steve went back to scrubbing away the soap at his chest and stomach. The shower curtain was yanked back and Bucky quietly climbed in behind him. 

“Can you hold me?”

His voice sounded so small, so meek and insecure. Steve’s heart hurt something fierce at that. Without thinking about it, he turned around and pulled Bucky into his arms. Holding tight, he buried his face in the dampening locks of dark hair. His skin felt cold compared to the burn of the shower water, the metal arm even more so against the sensitive skin at his back.

“I love you, sweetheart.”

Bucky’s arms snaked around his waist loosely. “What happened to ‘babydoll?’ Correct me if ‘m wrong, but that’s what ya always used to call me.”

“Figured ‘sweetheart’ was more 21st century,” Steve smiled into his hair. “Don’t like it?”

Bucky sighed and shoved his face deeper into the crook of his neck. “Don’t matter t’ me. Whatever you think ‘a me...that’s what ya should call me.”

“You’re my world, Buck.” The words fell so easily from his lips because it was the only truth he’d come to know over the years. There wasn’t a single person besides the one cradled in his arms that he would move heaven and earth for, that he would go to hell and back for. Bucky reserved that right, now and forever. 

He felt kisses press against his neck, the curve of lips in a smile. “Don’t deserve ya, Stevie. Never did...not as kids, or in the war, not now. You’re too...good.”

As untrue as that was, warmth spread suddenly through Steve’s chest at the sentiment. He knew the respect and admiration he held for Bucky, while it wasn’t a view held by the other, was mutual. It went deeper than attraction or adoration, though they had their fair share of that. Despite all the horrors Bucky had endured, Steve would be there to comfort him at the end of the day. Despite the terrifying, empty look in his eyes when Bucky slipped away and the Asset took his place, Steve would still take care of him and love him and fight to bring him back. What happened to him wasn’t fair, wasn’t deserved, and made Steve’s blood boil when he thought too hard about it. So right there, in the warm shower of a dingy hotel room in Somewhere, Virginia, Steve decided that he was going to spend the rest of his days doing nothing except what he did best: keep James Buchanan Barnes as safe and as happy as humanly possible. 

 


	9. Chapter 9

Together, relieved, they fell onto the bed. It bounced and squeaked in protest, whether that was from overuse or the combined weight of two supersoldiers is unclear. Neither of them cared to put clothes on, too overheated from the shower. Steve checked his phone for word from Natasha or Sam- but nothing. She had responded earlier with promise of a safe place to go, but needed time to confirm with their soon-to-be-hosts. 

A familiar weight rolled closer to him while he scrolled mindlessly through his phone. Unashamedly, Bucky scooched his hips right up to Steve’s own behind him and plucked the phone right out of his hands quickly. It landed on the damp, shapeless form of the white towels on the floor. 

“Steve,” he started, and it was obvious where this was going. Bucky was a natural charmer. And when his voice got all low like that...it was over. “I know everything for the past twenty-four hours has been kinda shit, but I’m real lucky to have you.” He nosed along the nape of Steve’s neck, dropping slow kisses occasionally. “‘Nd I just love ya, so much- you’re so good to me. So I was thinkin’...maybe I could be good for you, too? Y’know, give ya somethin’ nice among all the bullshit.”

Smile already growing across his face, Steve paraphrased. “So you wanna have sex?”

Bucky barked out a laugh at his brashness. “Can we?” There were the soft sounds of him shuffling around out of Steve’s view. Curious, he turned around and found Bucky laying lazily on his stomach. He lifted his head off of the pillow his arms were tucked under. “‘S been long enough- what if we don’t get another chance? I wanna do this properly at least once. ‘Nd I won’t freak out again, promise.”

It was hard to say no when he kept lifting his hips and wriggling them around enticingly.

Steve leaned in and kissed him finally, all gentle and meaningful. His hand crept over his spine carefully to the curve of Bucky’s ass, bare under the thin sheet. Slow, because he worshipped his body every chance he got to touch it. 

“You deserve it. ‘M glad you asked.” While he continued laying kisses over Bucky’s skin, he thought about how they were supposed to do this. Usually, Steve would just slide right over him and take care of his baby (yes, his baby, because that’s how he’d always think of him.) But now... _ after... _ taking control wouldn’t be so easy. “How d’you wanna do this?”

Bucky groaned against his cheek, the vibrations shooting straight to Steve’s suddenly interested cock. “Just like this. Like the first time.”

That memory, clear as day for Steve, bubbled to the surface of his mind. “Ya remember?”

With a smile like sin, he responded. “Little bits of it. Remember bein’ on my stomach...beggin’ for it...comin’ all over myself.” A laugh rounded out his words. “I thought it was perfect.”

“It wasn’t.” Steve ran his right hand over Bucky’s arm until it entangled with his fingers under the pillow. “Had to pause ‘cause I couldn’t breathe for a minute there.”

“Didn’t matter,” Bucky argued. “Still remember bein’ in basic and in Europe and thinkin’ ‘bout it. And I thought it was perfect.”

Slowly, carefully, Steve slid his hips over to align with Bucky’s. He kept up the assault of kisses over his face and neck to keep him distracted. 

“Well, if ya liked that part too, I guess I could pretend to have an asthma attack this time around,” he joked. Bucky laughed, his back shaking against Steve’s chest.

“Don’t you dare.” The little tease began grinding back on Steve, the only thing separating their skin being the sheet draped over his bottom. And okay, Steve’s cock was becoming  _ extremely  _ interested. 

“Ain’t got any slick,” he murmured thoughtfully into the nape of his neck. The wispy dark hairs there tickled at his lips.

Bucky arched his back, stacks of muscle shifting with it. “Got spit, dontcha?”

That question sparked quite the reaction in his groin. The thought of putting his mouth “down there” in such a forbidden place made Steve’s brain short circuit a little. They didn’t ever do anything like that before- it just wasn’t a common practice back then. Not that Steve hadn’t asked for it...Bucky had refused, being nervous and a little self-conscious. 

Now, though…

“Gonna lemme get my mouth on ya, Buck? Wanna taste ya, get ya all wet for me.” 

“Jesus,” Bucky breathed, lust creeping into the edges of his voice. “Jesus, yeah, do it. Wan’ ya to, Stevie-”

He crawled back onto his haunches, taking in the spread below him. Bucky was already pulling the sheet away and revealing himself fully to Steve in a beautifully trusting way. It took a lot of trust to open up like that and display the most intimate piece of yourself to someone. And damn if Bucky didn’t do it well; he was absolutely gorgeous. His ass was still as perfect as Steve remembered, all soft and round and had just the right amount of fat so it would jiggle when Steve fucked him. Beautiful smooth sound cheeks he had to split open to get a good look at his hole, even when he was bent over for it. There were those two little dimples nestled in at the base of his spine. The muscles of his back that always rippled with the effort of either meeting Steve’s thrusts or creating them all on his own- and there was a memory, Bucky fucking himself on Steve’s cock and taking his pleasure in his own hands. He needed that now, needed to get his sweetheart wrapped around him and moaning out in ecstasy, if only for the distraction and to prove to him that he was capable of being loved. 

Mindlessly, he laid kisses across the gentle curve of Bucky’s ass while he laid himself into position. Above him, Bucky’s breathing was already reaching a faster tempo with desire. Steve glanced down again once he was comfortable and finally brought his hands up to expose his prize. His hole peeked out shyly, a light dusky rose color and maybe a little wet from the recent shower. Steve’s hands spread his cheeks eagerly to expose him fully. There was a gentle smattering of dark hair trailing from behind his balls to encircle his hole.

“God, Buck.” He couldn’t help but dip his thumb in and rub at the rim. The muscles there clenched and released in a way that made Steve think it was instinctual. “Look so fuckin’ good.”

“Don’t stare, c’mon,” an impatient voice above him goaded. Steve was more than happy to oblige.

With a few careful licks, he tasted Bucky’s ass for the first time. There was the salty tang of sweat and the familiar musk of his skin. He lapped at the rim, knowing his face was slowly flushing. The act was just so taboo, even in modern times. If they only they could see Captain fucking America with his patriotic face shoved in between the sweet cheeks of his beautiful boyfriend. Sue him, it made him blush. 

Upwards, Bucky was already moaning and shivering. His flesh hand came up and tangled itself roughly in Steve’s hair. Pain prickled at his scalp, but he was so distracted and numb to it. Bucky’s firm pressure kept him securely in place with his mouth kissing at that sweet little hole.

“Fu-huck!” The exclamation was broken up into two desperate syllables, making Steve huff out a laugh through his nose. 

“How’s it feel?” He murmured against Bucky’s skin, simultaneously curious and also wanting to check in with him. 

Buck hummed out a whine. “‘S weird. Good weird.  _ Really  _ good. I forgot how fuckin’ good this feels…you could make me forget that I even got a dick, you keep doin’ me these kinds ‘a favors.”

Steve snorted at the implication, but immediately regretted it when he realized Bucky would probably  _ feel that  _ as well as hear it. Blushing all the way down to his chest, he continued massaging the rim of Bucky’s hole with the tip of his tongue. The muscles fluttered and relaxed around the slow, gradual pressure Steve applied. It was teasing, he knew, but maybe that was exactly what he was going for, at least at first. 

He grabbed harder at the soft mounds of flesh pressed against his face and then began working his tongue past the rim. It was slicking up beautifully the more Steve kissed at his hole. Finally, he decided to start really getting him ready for his cock with a spit-slick index finger. He carefully pressed the tip in and wiggled it around- Bucky was so  _ tight _ , even when relaxed like this. 

“Steve?” A small voice asked questioningly. He glanced up and took stock of Bucky’s posture: he was hugging the pillow tightly, but his neck and back were draped over the bed lazily. Nothing was wrong.  _ Just needs reassurance. _

“‘M right here, baby.” He murmured back, dropping copious kisses on his left cheek. “Doin’ really good, Buck. Gonna open ya up, just stay relaxed like this for me, ‘kay?”

Bucky groaned in response, already twitching his hips back for more. The makeshift slick needed replenishing, so Steve quietly spat on the pad of his finger and rubbed it along the walls of Bucky’s ass. And those walls were so impossibly  _ smooth, _ so slippery and hot- god, Steve had forgotten just how much he adored this, too. 

Entranced by it, he tugged down lightly on the rim and brought his tongue back into the mix. He licked eagerly again at his hole until it was shining wet again, then coated his middle finger in saliva and prodded it at Bucky’s rim.

“Ready for another?” 

Bucky lifted his head, body rolling languidly to gain more friction on his cock. “Yes, yes, please,” he whispered huskily. The desperation in his voice did awful things to Steve’s resolve, sent heat flying into his cock, and made him groan with anticipation. 

“Askin’ so nicely, babydoll, so fuckin’ sweet…” he trailed off while slipping the second finger inside. This time, he searched intently for that one spot, hoping to make Bucky see stars and let out some more of those beautiful noises. He flipped his hand, palm down, and slid his fingers in to the second knuckle. Deliberately, he crooked his fingers over that firm little spot. 

Bucky out a strangled moan and shoved his hips back to chase the feeling. 

“Steve-  _ Steve,  _ I wan’ more, just get me ready, please-”

A smirk crossed Steve’s lips. He knew he was teasing, and he especially knew that Bucky  _ hated  _ that, but he couldn’t stop. His fingers traced just around the edges of the gland, right where Bucky would barely feel it.

“That’s exactly what ‘m doin’. Want me to stop?”

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare,” he writhed around underneath him. “Gimme another one.”

“Pushy,” Steve mumbled into his skin, but obliged. With more spit-slick, he stretched that tight rim around three fingers. Bucky pushed back onto his hands and knees, pushing his ass into Steve’s face again. By that point, he was so absolutely relaxed, it didn’t make any difference between two fingers and three. He was ready.

Because he was the absolute worst, Steve dragged the pads of his fingers back over his prostate on the way out. That elicited a whine and a pout thrown his way. Bucky crawled over, turning around and getting onto his knees. 

“What’re ya doin’?” He sat back on his haunches and looked down worriedly. If he had pushed too far, or teased too much, he’d feel so awful-

“‘M gonna get ya slicked up. Not lettin’ ya go in dry,” his last word was punctuated by Bucky shoving him lightly back onto the mattress. There was the obscene sound of Steve’s cock slapping his stomach, largely ignored up until that point.  _ Very largely. _ His lips quirked at his own stupid joke. 

Face screwed up in concentration, Bucky grabbed both of Steve’s arms and tucked them under his back. 

“Keep these right here, Steve. Please? I trust ya to, ‘s just...ya gotta keep ‘em there.” 

He wasn’t entirely defenseless as long as he kept his arms behind his back, but it was enough to make Bucky comfortable. If that was what it took, he’d happily do it. He nodded and grabbed onto his own forearms.

With a devilish grin that contradicted his knotted brows, Bucky lowered his lips to the aching tip of Steve’s cock. Those lips were sinful, red and bitten from where he’d worried them so much while being prepared. They slipped around the head tentatively. Steve couldn’t help but groan out at the sensation. It’d been so long since he’d had Bucky’s mouth on him, he’d nearly forgotten what it felt like. Nearly. 

It seemed the further down Bucky went, the more confidence he gained. Inside his mouth, his tongue danced around and dipped into the slit of his cock where precome was already drooling out. Bucky swallowed down half his length and his eyelids fluttered shut. He bobbed up and down a few times, sucking hard on the upstrokes. When he came up for air again, Steve was shining with spit. A trail of it connected the tip to Bucky’s bottom lip, pouty and dropped open. 

“God, Buck.” Bucky smiled in response to his reverent declaration. 

“Gonna fuck me, Stevie?” He slid up again and placed his thighs on either side of Steve’s hips. “Lemme ride this pretty cock?”

It physically hurt, the way hot and hard arousal flooded his groin. Steve was always the one to run his mouth. Bucky rarely spilled filth like that, but when he did...oh, it was so hot. 

With spit to slick the way and a hand wrapped around the base of Steve’s length, Bucky slowly lowered himself onto the tip. Not penetrating, just letting the very end rest right up against his loosened hole. The points where their skin met were scorched. 

“Want me to?” Steve murmured up at him. He hoped he wasn’t being too vague in his question, it’s just that words weren’t very forthcoming at the moment.

Thankfully, Bucky seemed to be on the same wavelength. He nodded and moved down to press his hands into the mattress behind Steve’s ears. Together, they leaned into a kiss of both reassurance and permission to continue. 

Feet flat to the mattress for leverage, Steve slowly lifted his hips up to enter him. He watched as Bucky’s chest expanded while he sucked in air, and his mouth dropped open, and his eyes squeezed shut. His face fell into concentrated pleasure while the head slipped past his rim and came to rest just inside. Steve felt that smooth heat envelop the tip of his cock. 

Even though he knew he’d get ribbed for it, he paused to check in. “Ya good?” 

A rush of an exhale brushed past Steve’s ear, and then he whimpered out an affirmative noise. It was so precious that Steve couldn’t help but press a chaste kiss to his jawline. He wriggled around a little, suddenly wishing that he could get his hands on Bucky again. It was much more difficult than he thought- not because he didn’t have the strength and stamina for it, but he wasn’t sure that he had the willpower.

He took the encouragement and inched his way inside of Bucky carefully. Slowly, carefully, so as not to startle or overwhelm him. Sweet, tight heat accepted him in gratefully. Steve watched as a single drop of sweat fell down his neck. It only took a bend of his spine to reach up and trace his tongue over it. Salt burst on his taste buds.

“Steve,” an exhale. Bucky reopened his eyes, silvery and dark in the yellow of their crappy motel room. For a second, they just stared, forgetting the task at hand. The hips perched on top of Steve’s own pressed with the shifting of muscles until the mattress pillowed his ass again. Just resting, adjusting. Bucky’s cock burned hot against their stomachs, angry red and attention-starved. They’d have time to give him that different kind of pleasure later; now, it was about the joining of their bodies in an impossible closeness. 

Lips quirked up in a smile, one of enjoyment. Steve didn’t have to think about its meaning for more than half a second. He just knew. There was no more urgency, no more rushing. They were there, at their destination.

“You feel,” Bucky ghosted his lips over Steve’s. He could feel his breath, hot and dampening. “So fuckin’ good.”

“So do you,” he murmured back, unable to stop the praise. “Ya sure it doesn’t hurt?”

In response, Bucky huffed out a laugh and lifted his hips up a tad. Shuddering, he lowered back down, sliding his skin across the base of Steve’s cock. 

“Do I look like I’m in pain?” Amusement lifted his voice. 

Admittedly, he didn’t. Blissed out, yes. Exhilarated, yes. But not pained. 

Steve didn’t answer. Instead, he shuffled his arms around under the curve of his back and readjusted his hips. His cock ached, sheathed tight in that heat like the moment had been going on for hours, years, ages. Like they’d been joined permanently by their sex and couldn’t separate for the life of them. And Steve’s length was growing more and more impatient for the sensation of movement. 

“Ya gonna just sit on it all day, or?” He cocked an eyebrow and kissed the lobe of Bucky’s ear. Teasingly, he traced his bottom teeth under the soft flesh to match his playful words. 

Bucky groaned and leaned into it. Taking that into consideration, Steve smiled and lightly left a trail of saliva along the tiny outer shell of his ear. 

“Tickles,” he breathed before lifting up again. The air flooded around the exposed base of his cock, cold without Bucky’s heat. Everything was cold without Bucky.

Gently, so tentatively, he slipped back down. Filling himself with Steve, letting their bodies be overwhelmed with each other to gradually build up to the breaking point they were looking forward to. Up, and then down again. Needing more, and then pulling off when it became too much. A gentle back and forth without the constraints of time to dictate their movements. Maybe Steve had rushed in the beginning, but once he got inside of him...this sudden clarity settled over him. Tiny movements could displace mountains. Shuddering breaths became deafening. Skin contact felt like burns. There was no way he could rush this, for risk of accidentally moving heaven and earth. 

Bucky arched his back, graceful despite his stacks of rough muscles and unyielding metal. The shadows in the hollows of his collarbones deepened. Steve leaned up and mouthed along those bones, nipping delicately. His cock pulsed, hard enough that there was no way that Bucky couldn’t feel it. 

There was a coil deep in Steve’s stomach, in his groin. A big, round spring of arousal. And every time Bucky brought his ass back down on his hips, that coil was pressed just a little further down. Tightening, increasing the pressure. And Steve couldn’t wait to feel what happened when it was released. 

“Stevie,” he sighed. Not a damn thing meant by it, except acknowledgment that they were here. He clenched down, tightening his inner muscles and making Steve groan. “You gettin’ close?”

_ Close.  _ Close was a strange concept; he knew what Bucky was asking, but to Steve, that didn’t matter. They could stop five minutes from now, three hours from now, or ten minutes ago. He’d always been close to the proverbial edge of a lot of things, but being reconnected with Bucky brought him away from the edge. Coming wasn’t Steve’s goal. But he knew Bucky would want him to.

“You first.” Steve arched, forcing Bucky to make eye contact with him. Those eyes trained on his own, floated down. Onto his lips, which were parted with the need for more air. 

He leaned down and kissed him. “No. I can’t- I dunno if I can keep goin’ once I’ve…” 

Orgasm is vulnerable. Steve understands that. Him being the first to succumb to that overwhelming state would set Bucky at ease. And he was fairly sure that he could keep going long enough to pull Bucky along too.

“Okay,” he gave in easily. Just like that. Bucky said what he wanted, and Steve folded like a bad hand at poker. “Okay, baby. Gonna make me come, just keep goin’ like that…”

With a devilish grin and a mission to compl- no, those aren’t the right words. Point is, Bucky doubled down on him. Rolling hips and the light slap of skin. Bucky reached down and held the base of his own cock tight, holding his own pleasure back for the moment. 

The friction was beautiful. Hot. Nerves firing with unbelievable intensity. Every pulse made his head float a little higher, his body sink a little deeper. It almost set him off right there when Bucky moaned, all breath and desperation. 

“I want ya to,” dark eyebrows turned up, pleading. Asking. Sharing a desire. Something Bucky from a year ago, two years, wouldn’t think to do. Every day, his recovery gave Steve an elation when it surprised him like this. “Wanna feel ya come all up inside me, Steve, ya gotta-”

It didn’t feel like an orgasm washing over him. No, this was too light. He gasped for air but he had too much in his lungs already. Time lost all meaning when the sensations running through his body reached their peak. Release found him, or he found release, maybe they found each other. It overtook him, knocking his sturdy, reliable body right off its proverbial feet and rendering him boneless. Inside, invisible to him, his cock spurted his come. Hot and liquid and slicking the way even more. 

Bucky slowed to a gentle roll, using only his gluteal muscles to create movement around Steve’s pulsating length. It was clear that he enjoyed the feeling, based on his little sighs and closed eyes. His walls clenched, milking Steve for all he was worth even after the forceful release of come had slowed to a trickle.  

“Goddamn,” above him, Bucky grinned and stopped moving altogether. Steve couldn’t help but laugh breathlessly and nod his agreement. Their usual dynamic was different; before, Steve would run his mouth through his orgasm, and Bucky might just let out sinful, wanton moans through his own. But this time, Steve was rendered speechless and Bucky picked up his broken pieces of words and made a different kind of music, pleading and fresh. 

“Your turn,” he reminded, giving a little twitch of his hips. “Whenever you’re ready.”

An internal battle raged in his eyes. To take what he wanted, what his body was begging him for, or to call it here while everything was still breathtaking for the right reason? Steve could see it, knew what he had to say.

“I wanna see ya come on my cock. Can ya do that for me, baby?” He slumped down into the mattress, tired but remaining hard inside of Bucky. His cock pulsed with the aftershocks, the sensitivity faded quickly with each passing second. 

Throat tightening, Bucky swallowed and nodded. Dark, damp hair floated around his cheekbones where it had escaped its hold. Steve itched to grab it, tuck it behind his ear. But he only had one job: arms behind his back.

And either way, he wouldn’t be able to reach it, because Bucky was leaning back to press his hands against Steve’s slightly spread thighs. His body stretched long, pale skin thrown into the shitty motel room light and somehow managing to be beautifully on display in it. Softly, his cock sprang up to smack against his stomach, flushed and begging for attention. And then, with one shuddering breath in, Bucky lifted his tightened hips up, up, up, until only the tip remained inside. Achingly slow, he dipped back down- but a moan dragged it’s way from his throat as he began his descent. Of course it did. With the significant change of angle, Steve figured the head of his cock must be digging right into that sensitive gland a couple of inches past his rim. 

Maybe he was a little floaty from his orgasm, but Steve couldn’t stop the praise slipping past his lips. “Look so fuckin’ good, that’s it, moanin’ so pretty for it-” With each word, Bucky’s hips slid up and down by mere fractions of an inch. Deliberately chasing his own pleasure where it was most effective. Faster and faster, panting and groaning in an increasing tempo. “There ya go, gonna come for me?”

“Steve- Steve, touch me,” he gasped out and slowed the rocking of his hips again. “Fuckin’ touch me, I need ya to-  _ god,  _ please, Steve-”

His face was screwed up, lower lip tucked under his teeth, desperate. Steve could see his cock, dripping and pulsing with every twitch of his hips.

“Bucky, you said-”

“Fuck what I said, just get your fuckin’ hands on me-”

Reflexively, he pulled his aching right arm from under himself and didn’t even have to think about wrapping his hand around Bucky’s length. Fires must have been scorching under his skin, with the way it burned Steve’s hand. Wet at the tip and hard throughout, it had to have been hurting. 

Crying out, Bucky fucked up into his tightly closed fist. His abdomen clenched, right alongside the muscles of his sweet little hole. Little “unh, unh” noises forced their way from deep in his throat. He was so beautiful, all desperate and taking exactly what he wanted. Suddenly, Steve wanted so badly to see him come. It was a borderline need, bubbling up through his stomach and guiding him to dip his thumb right into the slit of his cock. 

With a shuddering exhale, he came. Hot, scorching wetness blossomed across Steve’s hand and dripped down onto his stomach, like a white bloom in the first warmth of spring. A choked off whimper started to escape his mouth, but was replaced with more gasping. Steve’s awestruck eyes were glued to the sight in front of him, nothing but appreciation for the beauty that was his Bucky.

“Ga- _ hawd, _ ” a heavy, exhausted, sweaty supersoldier drawled into his ear. He collapsed mindlessly onto Steve, thankfully not weighing him down to the point of immobility. 

Steve just hummed in agreement and picked Bucky up by the ass, lifting him off his still hard cock and placing him carefully on the pillows. 

“Stevie, Stevie, good  _ god, _ why the fuck did we wait so long to do that?”

A laugh bubbled out of him while he reached for one of the towels from earlier to wipe them both up. 

“‘Cause we been goin’ slow. Just like ya asked, sweetness.”

Bucky groaned with a smile, stretching lazily. With a few swipes of the towel, Steve cleaned the release off his stomach and carefully, slowly, lifted his legs up to wipe his own away from his fucked-out hole. 

“Didn’t know what the fuck I was talkin’ about,” he made grabby hands at Steve until he finally pulled him into his arms. For several long moments, they just held each other. Warmth and strength, closeness and intimacy even more intense than the lovemaking they had just participated in. Just SteveandBucky, BuckyandSteve, languid and happy. Feeling like they were 20 somethings again, without a care in the world besides each other. At least, that’s how Steve was feeling- he hoped the same was reflected in the man tucked into his chest. They were silent until Bucky murmured to him. “We’re gonna be okay, right?”

Maybe the question surprised Steve. But if it did, it was only because he wasn’t expecting to hear it so soon. The outside world didn’t have a place in Bucky’s concerns, not that night. He deserved one single night to not think about the nonsense going on in their unfortunately public lives. 

“Of course we are. Don’t you worry ‘bout that. You just let me take care of ya, alright?.”

Bucky hummed out a satisfied response, and that was that.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the sweet comments, they mean a lot <3  
> This is probably my favorite chapter I've posted so far tbh and of course it's the smutty one lol


	10. Chapter 10

_ We’re on our way. _

Natasha’s text came in as Steve was stretching out on the thin mattress, curling and uncurling his limbs. They were tangled with Bucky’s, hot at every point of contact. The two were sweating in the suffocating heat of the motel room, with no air conditioning in the place. It was actually kind of nice, similar to the stifling summer heat of Brooklyn in the 40’s. For a second, he could pretend that he was in a different time and place, just at home with Bucky, waking up early before he had to go to his job at the docks. Until the phone buzzed on the nightstand. 

Beside him, Bucky groaned a tired little noise. If adoration was tangible, Steve might have had to make room for the sheer amount of it he felt for Bucky. He was stunning, all relaxed and pretty in sleep. Had looked even more blissed out and relaxed before they had drifted off to sleep, post-orgasmic and sweet. 

“Good morning,” Steve mumbled. The sweet little curve of his lips turned up in a smile. He took notice of the beautiful features of Bucky’s face: the bow of his lips, the cleft of his chin, the tiny dimple in between his eyebrows. But he couldn’t see those eyes, they were still closed. It was okay, he could wait for Bucky. 

“Mornin’,” he groaned and wriggled his way under Steve’s arm to use his left pec as a pillow. Happily, Steve clutched at his left arm to tuck him in closer. 

“Gotta get up soon.”

“Nh-nh.” 

Huffing out a laugh, he ran his fingers through the soft strands of Bucky’s hair. 

“You don’t wanna go to the place Natasha found for us?”

Bucky lifted his head and finally let Steve see those pretty, light eyes suddenly filled with hope.

It turns out, Natasha’s contact was King T’Challa of Wakanda. The same man whose father Bucky had been accused of blowing up in Vienna. On the ride in the “borrowed” quinjet, Steve had argued with her about going there. It could easily be a trap. They hadn’t exactly been kind to him the last time he and Bucky were face to face with the grieving king.

“Shut up, Steve. If anything, T’Challa feels he owes Barnes a debt for attacking him so...well, for the way he acted. This is just a small favor while we figure out a long-term plan. They’ve got no loyalties to Tony at all, so that’s where we’re going and you’re gonna thank me for this later.”

She was probably right. He just frowned and nodded his assent. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Bucky smirking a little at Natasha. Probably because the pair were the only people truly capable of rendering Steve speechless, and Bucky found that amusing.  _ Whatever _ . He hadn’t been on receiving end of one of Natasha’s charming threats-in-disguise yet. 

For the rest of the flight, he stuck to Bucky’s side like glue. Sam filled them in on affairs back home, good-natured despite his serious undertones. According to him, Tony had rather...cut himself off from the Avengers. They hadn’t really had much contact with him since the events of the night before. It made Steve uneasy, worried for his friend. Isolation wasn’t the best idea, not after what he’d just found out. 

Natasha slid over silently after throwing the coordinates into the system and letting the autopilot take over. Bucky and Sam dissolved into a back and forth- something mindless about birdbrains and Robocop- that Steve ignored happily. The two always bantered like this whenever they were left to their own devices.

“So, how did the two of you sleep last night?” Quietly, Natasha murmured low enough that the others couldn’t hear. Something tilted her voice a little too far on the playful side. 

Steve turned to her and leaned in a bit. “Fine...why'd you ask?”

A smirk quirked her lips. “Because,” she drawled out the word as though it were obvious. “The two of you are plastered together, and Barnes is actually laughing with Sam. He never laughs. Like ever.”

“He does too!” Steve whispered dramatically to her amusement.

“With you, maybe. But not with anyone else. Something’s got him in a really good mood, and you’re clinging to him. Y’know what I think?” She leaned in closer. “I think you got some last night.”

There was no way Steve was going to dignify her with an answer. Although, his silence was probably answer enough. 

With another small smirk, she got up and went back into the cockpit of the jet. Sam and Bucky’s conversation, if you could even call it that, fell into snickers of laughter. Bucky turned and bumped shoulders lightly with Steve, a wide smile still gracing his lips. He returned it easily, loving the sight of Bucky’s happiness. 

“Alright, Nat, ‘m comin’ back up. The senior citizens are makin’ googly eyes at each other.” Sam called loudly and out of the corner of his eye, Steve noticed him walk past. For some reason, he didn’t really care. 

Bucky laughed a little, staring up at him. “For the record, I love your googly eyes.”

“Well, I love yours, too,” he responded teasingly. “Can I have a kiss?”

“Ya even gotta ask?”

He leaned in those couple more inches, letting Bucky’s lips brush against his own. With just a thumb pressed into that sweet dimple of his chin and his index finger tucked under his jaw, Steve guided him in and captured his mouth. 

The entire flight took barely any time at all. Natasha put the jet down in a remote clearing in the jungle, where a discreet, mud-streaked truck was waiting for them. Natasha handed them bags with clothes, toiletries, laptops. She had really come prepared. Sam stayed in the quinjet, not only guarding it but also waiting for Nat’s return. In the truck, there was a disinterested driver and a tall, stoic warrior. Based on his disregard for them and the impressive spear he carried, he might have been there for their protection or for the country’s. 

With an arm around Bucky’s shoulders, he tried to gauge the other man’s unease. Going into foreign territory was always a little unsettling, but under his circumstances...it wasn’t ideal. He’d have to put a lot of blind trust into the same people that had only a year earlier wanted to execute him for a crime he didn’t commit. Even Steve had to put trust in Natasha’s judgment- something he had thus far tried really hard to avoid doing. 

Once they were in the company of their hosts, Bucky had fallen quiet. He picked at the ridges of metal plates in his hand, running his fingernail along them to pick out stray dirt. Fidgeting. 

“You know,” Steve ran his hand down his back, feeling the soft shirt he’d changed into on the jet. “We didn’t really get to talk about the reason why we’re here.”

“Yeah,” Bucky griped. He dropped his hands back into his lap. “I know. ‘S ‘cause of me.”

“No. No, it’s not.” He reached over and pulled Bucky’s sun-hot hand into his own. “You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s Tony. He’s the one who’s...his anger is targeted at the wrong person. We’re here to keep you safe from him. I don’t want ya to ever think it’s your fault.” 

Instinctively, Bucky squeezed his hand tighter and fell back into his pensive silence for the rest of the ride.

The jungle floor was split by a dirt road that they traveled for nearly fifteen minutes. Eventually, it turned into gravel, and then pavement. And then, they came upon a secured underground tunnel that ran into what Steve presumed to be the heart of the city. The tunnel prevented them from seeing any landmarks that might indicate where they were. It was lit with a soft blue light in lines streaking the walls. He watched as the light twisted and bounced off the dark metal of Bucky’s arm.

The rest of the ride was spent in observational silence. Steve turned his attention to Bucky and Natasha, trying to gauge their own reflections. Bucky was still tracing the grooves in his metal digits and his eyes were darting around, drinking everything in. Natasha was more relaxed, looking unimpressed by their surroundings. He supposed that was a good thing, as far as Nat was concerned. She must trust them, must be familiar enough with them that Bucky was going to be protected. 

A small troop of warriors was waiting outside of a huge black and silver...well, calling it a building doesn’t do it justice. It was winding and intricate, like art. Even the warriors looked too beautiful to be an army. Tall and swathed in gold and bright patterns, with spears glinting in the sunlight. Even glaring menacingly at the newcomers, they were all gorgeous. Then again, Steve was used to associating dirty fatigues and gunmetal with the word “army.” He was probably a little biased.

Their little posse of protection walked them into the palace, eerily similar to the hordes of bailiffs that had escorted Bucky around during his trial. The parallels weren’t doing him any favors. 

The interior was just as simple and beautiful as the exterior, all arches and swooping black lines with the same blue energy surging through the walls. They were escorted into a throne room, or a council room, or maybe both. And there, waiting for them was the king himself. Slouched across his throne casually, chatting amicably with another menacing warrior. A ghost of a smile crossed her lips, but it disappeared quickly once she noticed their guests. 

Natasha strode forward, nodding respectfully. T’Challa smirked at her, holding a hand up to the warrior at his right. 

“Do be careful, Ms. Romanoff. Okoye still does not have much tolerance for your company.” His amusement was far from hidden despite his accent and attempts to cover it up.

Steve could practically feel her eye roll, even if she didn’t physically do it. He tightened his grip on Bucky’s fingers where they were laced together. 

“I appreciate this. Well, they probably do more than I.” She gestured to the tentative couple. “But thank you for being available on such short notice.” 

T’Challa’s eyes flitted over to Bucky, bypassing Steve altogether. He hummed thoughtfully. 

“Getting an audience with the king is easy when you offer an opportunity to settle a debt.”

“Is that was this is?” Steve interjected. “Are you just helping him because you falsely accused him?”

Almost every person in the room gave him an incredulous, “shut the hell up” look. Except for T’Challa. He didn’t look surprised, just bemused. 

“Does that change anything?” 

Several seconds passed while Steve stared, searching T’Challa’s face for bad intentions. Eventually, he clenched his jaw and straightened up.

“No.”

He nodded, then gestured to the small group of warriors waiting by the door. “They will take you to your quarters. It will be more private than the palace. No one with access to the outside will know you’re here. You will be very safe here, for as long as you need.”

They mumbled their thanks and were ushered away. Natasha said her goodbyes, promising to try and get through to Tony and to also stay in touch. They took Steve and Bucky away from the city, through fields of sun-dried green and gold. Another car ride into a tiny village tucked in between a lake and the ridge of a grassy hill. 

Tiny huts dotted the landscape, with villagers out roaming the place. One of their escorts led them inside one, a little isolated from the rest. Steve took in the one-room structure, packed with clay and dried grasses. There was one bed, low to the ground and draped in patterned bedding. 

Bucky dropped his bag unceremoniously next to the bed and strode immediately back outside the hut. Confused, Steve watched him get the attention of one of their escorts and speak in a low voice to her. Too low for him to catch.

He waited for him to finish the conversation and walk back inside. 

“Everything okay?”

Bucky smiled, for the first time since landing in Wakanda. He nodded and wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist, holding him tight. 

“Everything is great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo idk why, but this chapter was a STRUGGLE. for some reason, i just couldn't even think about this story. butttt, the good news is that now i should be back into the writing flow  
> thanks for reading as always <3


	11. Chapter 11

“Stevie, wake up.” 

The words were repeated, but they only registered after several moments of floating around Steve’s mind. It only made sense when a feeling of pleasure and an ache surged up in his groin. 

“There ya are,” Bucky murmured amusedly. His hand pressed down harder on the clothed length of Steve’s morning wood. “Was wonderin’ how long it’d take ya to get worked up enough.”

Groaning away the remnants of sleep, Steve mumbled back, “Wish it’d been sooner. You’re wastin’ daylight just teasin’ down there.”

Finally, he cracked open his eyes to take in the view of a lifetime- Bucky, all hair tickling his shoulders with sunlight streaming through the curtain of it, smirking with his face pressed up against Steve’s thigh. Lazy. Carefree. Taking Steve apart with his eyes.

He looked like everything Steve had been dreaming about for the last four years. 

“I’d better get to it then,” he whispered and then he was pulling Steve’s sleep pants off. No underwear, he liked his freedom. The look of wonder and awe on Bucky’s face when he saw the hardness waiting for him underneath- beautiful. “This all for me?” He murmured huskily in that sexy low way only Bucky could pull off. His hand came back up to grab Steve’s heavy cock and lift it straight upwards. It jutted out obscenely from his body.

“Mhm, baby. All yours.” Steve arched his back and clasped his hands behind, knowing that’s where Bucky would want them. 

Experimentally, Bucky gave a few kitten licks to the head. He rolled the foreskin back to reveal his sensitive glans, and increased the pressure there. Deep pleasure rolled through Steve’s gut at the feeling, making his eyes roll back in his head.

“Hey,” Bucky called from between Steve’s legs again. “You move your hips up at all while I got ya in my throat, I’ll bite ya dick. Got it?” 

He looked down confusedly, then noticed his hips were several centimeters detached from the mattress. Sheepishly, he unclenched the muscles of his ass and lowered them back down. Although, he couldn’t suppress a snicker at the probably very serious threat. 

Smiling at his own statement, Bucky returned to laying kisses all over his shaft. His mouth was so warm, so wet. Like he was salivating over his cock. 

The thought sent a drop of precome to his slit and directly onto Bucky’s tongue. Steve’s cock throbbed with it, pulsing hard against his lips. Finally, Bucky gave the tip a hard suck.

Steve let out a groan and threw his head back involuntarily. Every muscle was tensed with the effort not to thrust into that sweet heat. 

“Look at me, babydoll,” he forced out. Light blue eyes darted up to meet his own, made even lighter by the darkness of his eyelashes and the thick brown hair framing his face. He looked like sin personified, lips wrapped around Steve’s length. “Got a mouth made for this, dontcha sweetheart?” 

Bucky moaned at that, eyes closing. He dropped his head further into Steve’s lap, forcing the tip down his throat. His head bobbed, whether in a nod or to suck on Steve more, it didn’t matter.

Small noises escaped his mouth, wet little gagging sounds. They weren’t concerning to Steve, though. Every single time Bucky had ever given him a suckjob, those noises accompanied the pressure engulfing his cock. It was familiar, almost comforting. And incredibly hot.

“So fuckin’ good at this, baby. ‘M the luckiest guy in the world, gettin’ to wake up to this. Fuck-” he gasped out, even breaths becoming harder to obtain. “Bucky, Bucky, sweetheart-”

Steve knew he was babbling, but couldn’t care. Whenever he was close to coming, the dirty words flowed freely.

Heat pooled and pulsed deep in his gut at the unrelenting pleasure wrapped around his cock. One of Bucky’s hands came up to tug at his balls, heavy and full of the load he was preparing to release in his mouth. He hummed around his shaft, a pleased sound of approval. Steve moaned with every exhalation that escaped his mouth. Bucky’s head bobbed faster between his legs.

“Buck- baby, ‘m gonna come-” he warned, getting out the words while he still could. Who knew if he would be so considerate once locked in the throes of his orgasm?

Immediately, Bucky pulled off. His right hand came up to wrap firmly around his aching shaft to stroke him to completion. Those pretty lips, fucked-red and shining with spit, hung open while he gasped for air. Steve couldn’t help but be a little disappointed- it’d been literal decades since he’d last come deep in Bucky’s throat. But, if that was what his baby wanted to give him, that was what he’d take.

“C’mon, Stevie,”  _ fuck _ his voice was so deliciously raspy from the cock he’d been shoving against his voice box. “Please, lemme see ya come- I wanna see it, please, Stevie-”

The stroking became more frantic while Bucky begged for it. His words were what did it for Steve. 

Thick ropes of come burst from his slit as his cock pulsed hard. His orgasm whited out his vision and forced all of his muscles to clench. Steve gasped and cried out as his orgasm wracked his body. 

When the aftershocks began to wash over, his eyes refocused on the sight below him.

Bucky was still stroking him through it, wringing every last drop from his spent cock. Gentle and long, until he shivered from oversensitivity. 

Staring up at him, Bucky swiped his fingertips through the puddle of come pooling on Steve’s abs. He opened those perfect lips and licked through drops away. 

“Sinful,” Steve panted out, unable to form more than the one word. He was also unable to stop the smirk that lifted the corner of his mouth.

Bucky moved up further and lapped at the rest of the come on his stomach until it was all clean. Pride bubbled up in Steve at that. Pride and something else- possessiveness. No one else would ever see his baby like this, all filthy and sweet and all for Steve. And that was something beautiful.

“Thank you, Stevie.” His pants were tugged back over his softened cock. Bucky crawled up more and collapsed onto Steve’s chest heavily. 

A snort escaped him. “Shouldn't I be thankin’ you? Y’know, since you just sucked my soul outta my dick?”

Slow kisses made their way up his neck, over his Adam’s apple. “I mean for everythin’. God, I know ‘m a mess- even before.”

_ Before.  _ The word held so much meaning. Before the train, before Hydra took Bucky, before they shoved his conscious and personality into a prison cell inside of his brain. They never said any of those things, just left it at “before.”

“I remember ya being so patient with me before everythin’. Not sure I extended the same courtesy.” Bucky smiled up at him, genuine and maybe a little sad. “But I need ya to be patient with me for a while longer. ‘M sorry- ‘s just I gotta do somethin’.” 

A frown crossed Steve’s face. “What are ya talkin’ about?”

Bucky sighed and sat up. His knees were curled up to his chest while he spoke. “I’m goin’ back under.”

“Under what?”

“Steve…” 

He stopped and thought about it more. The realization hit soon after.

“Buck, no…”

“I gotta, Steve. Cryo is what’s safest for everyone. Ya saw what happened when that prick said those words. ‘M dangerous, and ‘s not gonna get better with me still runnin’ around like-” his words choked off. Steve sat up and put his hands on Bucky’s shoulders. “I talked to T’Challa ‘bout it. His sister says she can do it- that she can clear all that junk outta my head. And I want her to, Stevie, I really do. Even though I’ve got most of my memories back, there’s still this awful fog in my mind like a headache that won’t go away. And we got rid of Hydra, but they’re still fuckin’ with me, even today. Those words, this arm,” he shrugged the heavy limb where it rested under Steve’s fingertips. “‘S all them, ‘nd I gotta get rid of it.”

It made sense. A disturbing amount of sense. And he wanted Bucky to get better, wanted him to be okay again. Selfishly, Steve wished it could be done without sticking him back in a freezer. He didn’t want to be separated again.

The first time was bad enough. Watching Bucky die had ruined Steve, so much so that he had nosedived a plane into the Atlantic to escape the pain of living in a world without him. And it hurt so bad, the guilt of surviving without saving Bucky. So, being reunited with him was like being reborn. 

Of course, that brought its own set of issues. Bucky was alive, but broken. He never talked about it, but the PTSD affected him more than he let on. The guilt hurt him too. Steve hurt just seeing him go through it. And he can’t believe they took his sweetheart, his baby, his Bucky, and turned him into a weapon of mass destruction. They ruined his innocence, tainted his mind with his their fucked up plots and assassinations. 

No, Bucky deserved every single treatment that he could get his hands on. Steve would just have to deal with it and let him go.

“I know, sweetheart.” He moved up closer behind Bucky and wrapped his arms around his torso. Laid kisses over the hard plates of his shoulder and tasted the tang of metal on his lips. “Whatever ya need, you do it. Want ya to get better. Lord knows ya deserve it, angel. You deserve the world.” 

Bucky leaned into his touch, but covered his face in his hands. His back shook against Steve’s chest in tiny, little, aborted sobs. 

“‘M not an angel, Stevie. Done some fucked up shit.”

“Hey,” he brushed Bucky’s hair from his face and kissed the tears away before they fell. “That wasn’t you. They made you do it. The fact that ya feel bad about it now proves that it wasn’t you.”

“Almost killed ya, tried to keep ya from savin’ millions of people-  _ millions,  _ Steve-”

He interrupted softly, “not your fault.”  

Bucky shuddered. “I should’ve tried harder. When they kept- every time they wiped me, or trained me. I should’ve tried to escape more, but I- they told me it’d never stop, and it hurt so bad-”

“Shh,” Steve had heard this all before, knew the horrors he’d endured. It was part of Bucky’s therapy, talking about it with someone close to him to put the issues behind him. “I know how much they hurt you. But you can’t blame yourself. They did it. They put you in that position.”

He thought about the words he was saying, the implications. How much he’d hated himself for letting Bucky fall off that train. The guilt and the mourning had driven him to do reckless, dangerous things. He thought about how badly he’d wanted to make things right once he’d gotten his second chance. 

Even today, he couldn’t forgive himself for letting Bucky fall. But he could make things up to him, by helping him get better.

He pressed a mindless kiss to the back of Bucky’s neck. “You did the best you could.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i've been real busy packing for college these past few days, so i haven't exactly done any writing whatsoever.   
> the good news is that i'm now all moved in and i've been coming up with tons of ideas for pieces I wanna start (and in the case of this story, finish) so fingers crossed, I'll get things done during my free time.   
> as always, thanks for reading and i hope you enjoy! i appreciate your feedback sm <3


	12. Chapter 12

Dressed all in white, Bucky smiled at him. He didn’t look like the cocksure, handsome boy from Brooklyn anymore. Well, he was still handsome. Just in a more...experienced, rugged way. Steve traced his fingertips over the stubble on his jaw. It hid the cleft of his chin, but Steve knew it was still there. Knew intimately the lines and curves of Bucky’s face, his whole body. At least he could still see him in his imagination once he went under.

“It’s not for forever, y’know.” He finally met Bucky’s eyes at the statement. Dark around the edges, but crystal blue and sparkling in the iris. Breathtaking. 

“Yeah, I know,” Steve found his voice. “I just...still feels like I just got ya back, that’s all.”

Bucky smiled wider at that, wistfully. His hand came up to grab Steve’s, bring it to his lips. He kissed it, slowly. 

“It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. Once I’ve got all this figured out, we’ll be back to normal.”

The lab techs hovered close by, setting up the cryo chamber. He knew they were running out of time. 

Bucky kept talking. “I left ya somethin’, in your bag. Don’t open it ‘till ya miss me, got it?” He threatened teasingly. 

Steve tried to hold back his smile. “What if I miss you already?”

“Shuddup.” Bucky laughed and hopped off the table he was perched upon. One of the technicians was waving her hand to beckon him closer. He crossed over confidently and climbed right into the chamber. Steve followed and held up a hand to the techs, to indicate that they weren’t quite ready.

“Well,” he sighed. “Have a nice nap.”

Bucky laughed again, closing his eyes with it. “Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone. Ah-” he interrupted Steve’s half-formed retort. “I know. I’m takin’ it all with me, right?”

He didn’t answer. Just leaned down and pressed Bucky’s warm, smiling lips to his own. It was far too chaste, too quick, but they had an audience. 

“I love you.”

“Love you.”

They separated, leaving those the last words between them. The techs crowded in, flicking switches and monitoring his vitals. Steve watched as the thick, white fog enveloped his peaceful face. 

Later, he sat on the bed they’d shared. Back at the hut, his eyes fell upon his duffel bag. The ripped out piece of notebook paper was poking out of the front pocket. Tempting him. Bucky had said to wait, but…

He crossed over and lifted the page to read it in the sunlight. 

_ Steve- _

_ I told you to wait until you missed me to open this- and I have a feeling you grabbed it as soon as you got home. You punk. Whatever, in a few weeks or months you’re gonna really miss me and wish you hadn’t spoiled the only letter I left you. And yes, this really is the only one. _

_ Unless you’re clever enough to find the dirty one. _

_ Fuck, Stevie. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love you, appreciate you...don’t deserve you. Before you scoff at that, I don’t mean it in a self-deprecating way. It’s a compliment. A lesser man wouldn’t have tried to find me for so long, would have run away when he did. No one would have blamed you either. But you’ve taken such good care of me, and I know I haven’t been the easiest. So, no, I don’t deserve you.  _

_ People often compare love to a flame. Passionate. Red hot. Dangerously consuming and uncontrollable. And maybe that’s how we were in the beginning. Before. We were so reckless, so blatant in a time we could have been killed for having a love like ours.  _

_ And after, I think it’s changed. Less of a roaring fire, more like burning coals. The destruction of the outside world is done, leaving behind the last remnants. Simmering. A low burn. No, not dying. A love that’s everlasting can survive even the rebuilding of the world around it. The coals are unquenchable. And that’s how I feel about you. This deep desire burning in my heart, affecting only you and me. We aren’t dangerous or new anymore. We’re deeper than before. Being with you, I feel this sort of practiced ease. Nothing else in my life is easy, but loving you is. Admittedly, it wasn’t at first. I didn’t want to come to terms with who I was. And you rather forced my hand with that part, because I would have probably denied being this way beyond my deathbed without you. But now that I have...we’re easy. _

_ It’ll only be a blink of an eye for me, and that’s my only reassurance when going under. But you...I don’t want to leave you, Steve. Last time I did, you did a lot of stupid, reckless shit. This time, don’t you dare. Who’s gonna call you on your crap in the meantime? See, I don’t wanna leave you. Not even long enough to blink.  _

_ I really hope things between you and Tony are resolved soon. If you see him at any point before I wake up, tell him I’m sorry. I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault, even though you told me it’s not. And the way you protected me...I’m grateful. It’s just complicated. But I am sorry that happened to him. I’m sorry to all of them.  _

_ So thank you, Stevie. Thank you for giving me these good years. For giving me a chance to redeem myself. For helping me recover- I could never have gotten to where I am today without you. For loving me despite the fact that I’m not the same person you fell in love with.  _

_ Crap. I haven’t even gone under yet and I already miss you. Wish you knew what you did to me. You can’t possibly know how much I want you. I think I’m actually gonna find you right now, see if I can get laid one more time before I go under. _

_ I gotta tell you, Steve, that I love you so fucking much. And I can’t wait to wake up and see your pretty smile waiting for me.  _

 

_ Your baby, _

_ Bucky _

He finished the letter, then read it again. It brought an uncontrollable smile to his face, even though he tried to stop himself from looking like an idiot. Every time he read Bucky’s words, it surprised him how he could sound just like himself and show his personality without disrupting the eloquence of it. The part about how their love had changed...rang surprisingly true. The two were shoved into a new world, one that had evolved and remade itself. But they still loved each other wholeheartedly. Would still do anything for each other. 

That was why he felt so awful about everything that had happened in the past few days. Uprooting their lives, just because Tony was blind with his anger. He thought and turned over every possibility, everything that he could have done differently. Not just with Tony, but with Bucky. But that was the guilt that he would never be able to get rid of. 

Even in the two years after waking up, before he knew Bucky was alive, he was still grieving. Still terribly lonely and guilty and depressed about losing the love of his life. No one knew, he made sure of that. His emotions were his own burden, and he figured that given time he could sort everything out and move on. 

Except two years passed and he was still waking up from nightmares reaching out for Bucky, only to find a cold bed beside him.

Even in the two years since he brought Bucky back to himself, he had the same recurring nightmares. The guilt still wracked him, shook him to the core sometimes. Reading the Hydra files Natasha had dug up for him had only made it worse. But that wasn’t her fault, he had asked for them of course and ignored her warning. 

So it wasn’t too easy for Steve to sleep alone for the first time in over a year.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! hope you enjoyed!   
> comments much appreciated <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone...here's the first chapter of the second part :). If you haven't read the first part, I recommend going through it first. This fic follows it's own timeline and version of events.  
> Hope you enjoy it! Let's see where this fic goes...
> 
> btw i've tried uploading this like four times putting in all the tags and everything and it didn't work so i'm frustrated :))))


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